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Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Will Not Be Defeated

I had planned to work on the next topic of The List. But all I can think about is sharing my story.

It started last Sunday in my Bible Study class and has not let loose. We were asked to share our story of our journey and belief in Christ. It may not have been worded exactly like that but that's what it is. Basically our testimony. It is not something we were told we had to do. That would really defeat the purpose.

Now, I'm rather new to accepting, is that the right word?, my faith and living it. After all I have been through it's easy to see how I lost my way. Lucky for me God never gives up on us. We each have our journey and our testimony. My story is not completely known by many I go to church with. This is not the church I attended all those years ago. I've only been attending this church for maybe 2 yrs. I feel this is where I belong. But anyways, on to my dilemma. I find am finding it hard to put into words my testimony, as it were.

I know, crazy, right? I mean I have outlined most of it here on my blog. Why then do I find writing something for my Bible Study Class and Church so hard? Is it because I am scared of their reactions? The fact that I sort of know them? I have told all in sundry via this blog my story. My BFF has known since forever or at lest the day we knew we were more than just friends. Few of my family members know. So why? Surely it would help someone. It is the reason I believe there is a God. In a world like we live in today that is saying a lot. Or at least I think so.

I have prayed for the right words to come. Days later I am still staring at a blank page with tear drops on it. Tears that signify how I still vividly recall those days. Those feelings. The utter fear that my life was doomed and I might as well have died with my Mom in 1978. The loneliness. And yet, hope and knowledge it did not stay that way and never will. That is something to grasp.

I cannot let this defeat me. I must find a way to tell my complete story with out getting the point lost. It's not like I have not told anyone ever.

Maybe I am struggling with it being called my testimony. To me, a testimony is something that a person very strong in their faith and wanting to share it does. That person, is not me. For all intents and purposes I am like a new believer. I was raised in church then walked away from it and God for years. Yet looking back I can see where He was always watching over me and protecting me, even from myself.

I am sure this reads like a hot mess. That's the way I feel all my thoughts on this are. A hot mess. But my story needs to be told. I feel compelled to keep sharing it and keep telling it to any and all that will listen. Sharing it has never been easy. Does it ever get easier? I don't know. The pain of the memories is nearly consuming me. Maybe because some in my life choose to forget it ever happened. Wonder why I say such awful things about people. Maybe my fear is Satan, yes I do believe he influences whether we know it or not, is trying to make me stop.

Whatever it is, I know I must do this. I will not be defeated. So, any positive thoughts or prayers from any or all of my readers would be nice.


  1. Testimonies help others. Everyone's hungry for hope and hearing testimonies give people hope. You were in a dark place and part of that darkness will always be with you, but you have so much light now too. So, as you write your testimony, think about the people that need to hear that you can come from complete Hell and still be loved, still be hopeful, still be beautiful inside and out, and still have a spiritual life.

    1. Man. I have no words to properly say thanks for that comment. It was so beautiful and meaningful. Thanks.


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