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Saturday, March 17, 2012

30 Topics ~ Learning to Trust

~ The List ~ 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I am not sure I know exactly how to answer this one. I have had a few real tough experiences. I guess based on my life I'd have to say that the hardest thing I've experienced is learning how to depend on me. That morphed into learning to trust others. 

I don't know if that's exactly what was expected of this topic but it's what I'm writing from my soul. I've survived a mother who committed suicide, an alcoholic father (he's not now), a family at odds, mental/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, losing my self and nearly succumbing to that darkness, and to being a parent of a difficult child. It was all horrible. To say one was harder than another would be nearly impossible.

With such a difficult life from early on I grew up fast. I had to. It caused me to lock a lot of people out. I laid some nights in bed and just bawled. Praying that I would make it through. Wondering why, yes but still knowing it was for a reason. Maybe it didn't all go down like it was supposed to. But life is random. It's all a series of choices. Based on my early experiences, I just learned to close out everyone. I didn't have it in me to allow another to hurt me. To give them that chance. I made some reckless choices, by my standard, after my sexual abuse. Some took advantage. Most people were not willing to tough it out to get to know me. Those that did have never regretted it. Those that did helped me get back to me. Showed me that there were people worth trusting. Little by little those people taught me to trust. To trust them with my heart, my life, my secrets. 

Seems silly to say trust them with my secrets. But when you tell an adult that you still mistakenly believes loves you at least a little, that you have been sexually abused by the pastor of your church and they laugh in your face telling you it was what you deserved because you were an awful child. You pretty much learn to stop talking. To anyone. You do not talk about anything important. Sometimes, you don't even talk about the unimportant things. When that happens you are a shell of you. You are fake and people tend to think you're a bitch or stuck up. 

Learning to trust again was painfully slow. My best friend never really let go. Even though she did think I was a stuck up bitch. I couldn't even tell you when she became like a sister to me and knew all there was to know about me. It just happened. 

When I met Hubs, we just clicked. I trusted him to take care of me and know all my secrets. He didn't run screaming in horror. He kept holding on. Nights I'd wake screaming, he'd just hold me a little closer and not push me to talk about it. It was maybe a year or two after being married that I felt the past loosing it's grip on me. I wasn't gonna let it define me. I was still alive and I had a family who cared about me. So what if it was only in laws. They were there. 

Now, 15+ years later I have not only gotten back to me, I've learned trust people. To let people in. It's a damn good thing, too. After 3 pregnancies, each with their own issues, and Sean's mood and behavior issues, I cannot imagine getting through it without being able to trust anyone. 

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