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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

30 Topics ~ Pesky But Real Fears

~ The List ~ 


1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 


In honor of my 34th birthday I am doing #2 from the list. Betcha thought I was gonna get all deep on my birthday. Are you kidding me? I'm sick. It's easier just to go in order right now.

1. The dark. I absolutely must have at least a tiny light coming from somewhere. I cannot sit in a dark room with no light at all. It's disorienting to wake and not be able to see quickly. I attribute this to my 2nd Step Mom who used to hide in near darkness behind corners and jump out and scare me. I was maybe only 5 or 6. So, I just have to have night lights of some sort on all the time.

2. I fear something happening to my kids and me not being there the help them. Pretty basic fear for a parent. Doesn't help that I have had several nightmares of awful things happening to my kids. I don't have these nightmares all the time. But one is too many. The first one happened when I was pregnant with Meghan and I dreamed that Sean, then about 4, had been put to a horrible death for some insane reason like he was possessed or something. I literally called my husband who was working late shift at work, he was not understanding in the moment about it. Then I called MIL. She was very understanding and calmed me. Still shaky I called my BFF, and we talked for the longest. This was at like 1 or 2 am. I remember before making the calls I tip toed to my kids room to make sure both were still breathing. 

3. That I will either be like my Mom and have a short life or that I will be like my 3rd Step Mom and break my kids down mentally and verbally. I must say that more and more I am less worried about short life. Though my Mom did commit suicide and I worried I might be brought low by the same demons. I did go through several tough months after Sean was born. I literally held myself from attaching to him for fear I was destined to die when he was 5 months. I didn't have any medical treatment for it. I really do not know how I got through that time. I still wonder if that is why me and Sean are not close. As for the being verbally or mentally abusive, I have at times said things I to my kids that were uncalled for. I have always sat down with them and apologized for it and told them it was wrong. Even though have done that, I still feel like I will ruin them. Ever conscious of it only makes me more anxious and causes other problems. So, I just go day by day. I find since I know I am prone to do these things even without knowing it, that being aware of it has been helpful. 


There ya have it. My 3 legitimate fears and why they are fears. 


What should my next topic be? Or should I just do the list in order? Visit the poll on my FB Fan Page (Yes I have one. Even if only about 15 people "like" it.), tell me on twitter @LittleMsP, or simply leave your thoughts in the comments.

6 comments:

  1. All legitimate fears - and clearly a result of your earlier experiences. It's not too late to bond with your son. Don't allow the fear to stop you from pursuing a more meaningful relationship with him. We can change the future. Somewhat. :)

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    1. So right Alison! Sean and are closer now. It was only early on in his infant life I was afraid to have anything to do with him. I probably needed more help than I asked for or that anyone knew at the time. But all experiences have something to teach us and sometimes makes us stronger for it. Thanks for commenting. =)

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  2. You really had wicked stepmothers.

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    Replies
    1. Truly. But I weathered the storm and am stronger for it.

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  3. I went through postpartum too. It can be terrifying. My second pregnancy, I was ready for it, so I got on antidepressants right away. You're a tough cookie, Ms. P.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! I knew what to watch for but I just kept telling everyone I was fine. No one else pushed back, so to speak.

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Thanks for commenting!