Uncharted Waters

There are just days that words cannot describe. This, maybe isn't one of those days. I was thinking last night and again this morning about some how getting this out in some semblance of coherency. It may or may not come out/across that way.

The last couple of days with Sean have been rough, not on anyone but me but still *shrug*. Thank the Good Lord above that he hasn't had a cataclysmic meltdown of mammoth proportions. If we're blessed we may never see another of those or if we do it's long ways off.

I am openly honest to any and everyone about my son Sean. He's 9. He's the dearest sweetest boy alive (okay so I'm probably a little biased). He also has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) Mixed/Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD)/Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). The learning curve on this is HUGE! First of all, it's commonly refereed to as early onset bipolar since he's a kid. In kids keeping up with the swings is harder to catch, predict, and keep up with simply because they can swing easily and often.

The Beginning: We first started out with ADHD. That I understood. No, the teachers didn't approach me first. I did. I went to our Pedi and asked. After a few appointments and paperwork it was confirmed he was ADHD. This was in 1st grade! His notes home didn't seem right. His grades were horrid. He just couldn't seem to learn though I  knew he was brighter than that. Then the issue became why isn't medicine and therapy working? His ADHD med dose got so high he was no longer my Sean. He was some stranger. This couldn't be right. I found a psychiatrist. Wouldn't they better understand than the Pedi?  After months of putting up with negative results with the psychiatrist, I yet again sought more help. The therapist, helpful in pointing me in different avenues to seek better help. In second grade I finally had it with the psychiatrist who wasn't listening to my concerns. After 3 months he refused to change my sons meds even after he had bad swings on the meds he was on. I'm talking voilent outburst at me and teachers and kids at school. The psychiatrsit said it was too early to name any other issues with Sean and too early to treat. Even though and independent office had done an evaluation and deteremined he had mood disorder, most like bipolar mixed. He ended up in the hospital after walking out of our house at 6am on a Sunday morning because he was mad the girls got to stay at nana's and he didn't and he wanted to make sure they were okay. The hospital did what our psychiatrist should have. Of course, they were able to monitor him daily. They determined the steroid ADHD med was not helping his moods and in fact made them worse. They changed it. The mood stabilizer he was on was not helpful. They changed it. After leaving the hospital he was on 4 meds. A rather low amount for a bipolar kid. They also confirmed the bipolar mixed. They also added ODD. With their help he improved. We got better understanding of what we were dealing with. We felt more confident and empowered to seek better psychiatrist.

Present: We finally got one. With him, things started changing. He listened to us and to Sean. Slowly we were able to adjust him to only 2 meds. The violent episodes slowed. His school work and reports got better. He even took the change in schools when we moved rather well, for him that is. We did have some shouting matches and a day where I literally drug him to the car to show him I was in charge not him. Even if the school called me to come get him later. (they didn't, by the way.) I won! A small victory but still a win. He knew he couldn't throw a hissy and get his way just cause it was easier. Adjusting to life at Nana's was hard. We specifically asked them not to intervene with Sean unless asked. In past, they typically made things worse because Nana would cave.

Last 2 days: I swear Sean is out to kill me from a heart attack. I cannot seem to get it through to him that talking about boobs and sexual things is not right. I mean I get it. He's a boy. I knew these days would come. But he is thriving on the inappropriate and shock behavior even though he knows it's wrong. We've had the talk with him. (several times actually) We more closely monitor movies. (Nana let him watch whatever like Undercover Brother) But the last two days it's steadily increased. He tells me he saw so and so's boobs at school. (usually a teachers, no way he actually so them uncovered). He tells girls they're hot or sexy. He tells me he's having inappropriate dreams about girls and boobs.

I simply do not know how to address this. He knows it upsets me. I have asked him to please talk to his dad about these things cause Mommy just doesn't know what to tell him other than I don't think it's appropriate at your age to be this obsessed and I really don't know what to tell you about being a boy. Today while I was out back changing the dogs water and feeding them he looked straight at me and said, "I see boobs." Matter of factly. Like one might say the sky is blue. Last night while watching the Karate Kid (the new one) he kept saying I wanna say that word so bad. (ass) I just want to. I praised him for self monitoring and knowing that words like that were unacceptable. Nana/Pop were like why do you want to? I told them quietly he likes to shock and do things he knows to be wrong just to do it for reactions. This got me the yeah whatever look. The same one they give when they say he's just being a boy.

I am literally approaching my wits end. I just do not know what to do or say. And a blog I read this morning just made it come flooding to my mind. It became even more neccessary that I some how get this out of my system even if it's only here on my blog. Some days I feel like the worst failure. Like I caused all his issues and am making them worse. I am my own worst critic even though I know I'm on the right course. Right now, I feel like I'm lost. I pray about it. I talk to friends who understand. Yet, I still feel like I could totally handle his violence more than I can handle whatever it is he's going through now.

Thanks Mama Kat for you blog today Kid Land. (y'all really should read it) It some how helped me to find the words I needed. And the courage to put it on my blog.