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Friday, July 8, 2011

Word Vomit & Emotional Release

WARNING:
Ok, I apologize in advanced to my readers. This is very likely going to come out in a raw rambling mess. I just tried to lay down and go back to sleep and my brain refused to shut off. I've learned from experience that it's best to get things off my chest rather than hold onto them. It's just healthier.


Also, if you don't like graphic images, do not watch the P!nk video. It's hard to watch but in the end is alright. 

Yes, it's been a difficult week. Last weekend I heard about my Grandma Baker's death. Most know how shaken I was. Mostly because I hadn't seen her in years. Or anyone from my Mom's side of the family. That, well that is another story, as they (whoever they are) say. The fact is, it got me to thinking about things.

Then, I went to Grandma's funeral. I was so thankful I could go. Thankful that I was informed. Thankful that someone would be able to watch my kids, even if it was just hubby and I would take that 2 hour drive myself.  Turns out, Nana was able to stay home and watch the kids. Even though I felt out of place and really didn't know what to say to anyone, I was thankful.

She's buried where my Mom is. Where my Daddy's parents are buried. Where his Mom's parents are buried. It upset me that I let small things stop me from having family connection that went wrong in so many places. I looked at those headstones, and bawled while chatting with my departed loved ones. Some who knew me better than I knew them. You see,  I lost my Mom, as most know, when I was 5 months old to the day. Just days before I turned one, Grandma Barbara died. I am trying to recall the date of death for my Great Grandma, but am at a loss for the date. I think it was after Grandma Barbara but cannot swear to it. I also think I visited her in a nursing home when I was little, but again, I cannot swear to it. Clearly, these people knew me better than I knew them. But there I sat crying over the loss of it all. made a deciion that my family, hubby and the kids, would not have to feel what I felt for so many years. That if there was anything I could do I would get my family connection. The sense of well being that brings. Never will they ever wonder if they were loved, thought about, or wonder what they did to earn that rejected feeling. To have family fighting over God knows what. No one wins in that situation. No one.

During and through all this, around rolls July 4th. I realize I had messed up. Sean's meds were empty. Hop on comp to refill it only to realize there aren't any refills left. Begin Sean drama over the weekend and the week. Do I really need to go into what it's like when you are on daily meds and suddenly they're stopped? Add to the fact that I had just one day to prepare him for the fact me and his dad were leaving town for a whole day. Most of us do not respond well to upset in our routines. Bipolar people are even worse. Plus, I am having to find him new doctor cause his has retired. Small inconvenience. I really liked him. It only took us couple years and several doctors to get one that thought my opinion counted for something. I was praying that they could fit him in with another doctor in the practice, but as I found out on the way to Iowa Park for Grandma's funeral, no such luck. All I could think was not again. I know, that it's not the end. That  I will move heaven and earth if I have to to get the right doctor for my son. I had to forgive myself, too. I'm human. Though others may think I constantly have it together, I'm often faking it til I make it. Sean's issues scare the hell out of me. Not the ADHD or the ODD but the Bipolar. As much study as I've done I still don't understand it. I'm still learning. Still trying to explain it to those that understand it less than me. Those that would have me believe that it's a Pop diagnosis. Trust me when I say it wasn't easy to start this path. I don't care who you are it is never ever easy to admit your kid has a problem. Much less seek help and decide to medicate. To wonder, did I do this. Did I create this? Fact is, it's genetic. It came from my side or hubby's side or heaven help us maybe both. To look at it and dismiss it is to only deny the past. Deny what may be wrong in others we love. To see in hindsight that the tragic death of my Mom might have helped prepare me to make the hard decisions. To not allow another I love to meet that end or to suffer in any way if I could prevent it.

Weeks before I let another comment upset me. I think it started an unnecessary Facebook fight. Both sides meant well but it was me in the middle. Again. I didn't intend for it to happen. Who does? Sure, there are those that seek out this kind of stuff cause they cannot be happy unless others are miserable. Me? I'm not one of those. Again, I point to the extremely rocky road I had to travel to get this wisdom I have now. Loss of my mother. Sides of the family fighting. Me in the middle. As if young childhood days weren't suffering enough, along came my teen years. Yeah, those years have built in problems. Mine, were amplified by that lost and rejected feeling I spoke of earlier.

Take a side with me here...I haven't really poured out all the facts of those years, just glossed over it in a a post I called Not Her. Let me put it this way, I was set up to look like I was crazy. To scare the hell out of my Daddy, make him think it was happening to him all over again, and to eventually be sent away because apparently I was in the way of the greater plan. It ended up with me spending couple years in a small town. Living with the pastor of our church at the time. Being sexually abused. Then sent to children's home. I hid all that. Told very few. Oh, those years in the children's home might have saved what was left of me. Given me new perspective. One I didn't appreciate at the time. Even they saw what others didn't, I was perfectly fine and healthy. They helped me get a doctor to take me off meds I didn't need. Proved that I was set up to look crazy. Then, when I had finally started to come to terms with it and realize the abuse was not my fault and to start taking a stand for myself, that woman who was my step mom for several years, the one I believe added to my problems with mental abuse, told me point blank that I would not have been sexually abused if I wasn't such a horrible person. You heard that right. Then, she proceeded to tell me to not tell this to my Daddy as no one needed to die for what was my fault. WTH!

I still have never told my dad. Very few knew about it, til now. Even fewer know how ironic that is. I wanted a mom and family so bad I tried to be what they wanted and it was never enough.

Ok, now that we have that understood....A few weeks ago, I went on vacation. I was overwhelmed by lots of other things going in my head that I was in San Antonio before I realized I hadn't called to see how Daddy was and tell them I was going on vacation. The vacation was literally an impromptu thing. A challenge for my hubby to see if he could make enough at a coin show to get us away for the better part of a week. As any of my Twitter friends can tell you, I was open about how sick my Daddy was. Rectal and Prostrate cancer. I didn't share it on Facebook like I did on Twitter. Then, that changed. I was doing just fine til someone who knows and loves me worried that I was letting inconsequential things come between my daddy and I. That they had heard that I refused to visit my daddy in the hospital. Something hubby had said to another connection only made that statement appear true and prompt advice to me to realize how sick he was and that I didn't need to let it come between us at this time. Hubby apologized to me and told me that he thought he had added to it unknowingly. At least he was honest about it. I got steamed that someone would mislead someone else to believe I didn't care about my Daddy. Fact is I was there 2 out of 3 surgeries. Visited and called. Maybe not as often as I could have. But we mere humans do our best. I told my BFF all about this and wondered who the hell would say such a thing and to what end. I was nearly broken by it. If anyone reading this wants to admit they said it, great. I've long since forgiven it. What else can I do? I know the truth of what was going on. Others know it, too. I was open with those around me what I had heard had been said. Given my experiences of my youth what else would I do? I cannot hold onto it. I cannot take it personally that someone wants to spew filth about me. I can only control me.

Then the fight exploded on Facebook. I never said anything to anyone about the rumor again. I just let it go. Then an honest and light hearted status update got ugly. If you follow me on Twitter or my personal FB page then you know I was posting couple nights ago about my girls not sleeping. That they shut the door thinking it would magically hide them from my radar. I wondered if it was a sister bonding thing. Said I didn't know cause I didn't have sisters. That's fact, I do not have blood sisters. Did not grow up with sisters. Didn't get sisters til I was 10 and Daddy married a woman that had 4 girls from previous marriage. It was not instant love between us all. I'll admit I wanted it to be. Wanted to have that family feeling. Wanted it so bad that I ached. Truth is, 2 of them were grown and gone. One was uber cool to me and we bonded then became estranged later. The youngest one, well I feel she and I never did connect the same way. Still aren't close, really. Though I love and care for them all, I can admit the truth. That as bad as you want a family connection you can make it out of thin air. The truth is that she and I were in conflict a lot. My littlest step sis' significant other wondered at the thought that I said I had no sisters. That is when the fight was apparently on. True, you don't have to be blood to feel like family. Hate to say it, I just don't feel what they think I should or want me to. I just can't.

How can you be really truly close to anyone who was in the midst of all that and still believes that there is no problem? I've lived it. I know that as she died that woman told my Daddy she was sorry for what she did to me. Fact.

I don't mean to hurt anyone with this. Just getting it out of my system so it cannot poison me. I tell the truth as I see it. Who doesn't. I just happen to not look at the world through rose colored glasses. The cold hard truth is never easy. Yet, it's necessary. Necessary that I share this. That those involved understand how lost and hurt I was and sometimes still am. I am forever connected to them because of the marriage of my Daddy to their mother. Now Daddy has been remarried to the most wonderful lady and I have 2 more step siblings and more nieces and nephews. I love them all.

But what I really want, is what I lost. The closeness to my Daddy that I had before I turned 10. That, I'll never truly get back.

I've been missing a piece of me. Due to no fault of my own, or so I thought, I lost part of me. At the same time, as odd as it sounds, I found me.

In finding me, I realize how I'm truly blessed and a survivor. I am that miracle baby. The one who wasn't supposed to make it, but dd.

I want my family back. I want closeness with the family I should've grown up knowing. The family that even when I was going through the Sean thing I should never have give up on. The ones that knew my Mom. I tried, they tried, yet what were but almost strangers? I mean to fix this. Or give it my absolute best. My Mom, she would want that I believe. She wouldn't want the past to keep us apart. She'd want both sides to realize it's me in the middle. Me suffering the most. My kids, they deserve to know where I came from, and them, too. They deserve to know the truth of my life. To understand why I care so much bout getting the right help for Sean. To understand that right now, I am struggling with anxiety and depression. A fact I share with Sean so he will know we all struggle with something. Some more than others.

Just like in the movie 28 Days and Sandra Bullock's character said and learned, I can only control me and my actions. (I may have paraphrased that) And just like in another Sandra Bullock movie, Hope Floats.

That is all. If you made it this far, thanks. If this was offensive to you, sorry you feel that way but  I refuse to be ashamed or hide my truth any more.

I now feel like I can sleep. That nothing is keeping me awake now.

EDITED: a little music to go with this emotionally wrought (is that the right word) post. Again, thanks for reading all the drama.


7 comments:

  1. {{{hugs}}}

    I've put my demons to paper & it has truly helped to silence them in my head. I hope this helps you move forward, too.

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  2. it is one of the rate times when I don't know what to say. Just know that you are loved beyond words. Don't ever lose who you are to the ugly out there. This would probably make more sense if I wasn't up late being an ass.

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  3. I'm not at all offended, just very sad you had to go through all of this...

    Thanks for sharing with us. Keep writing and staying away from toxic folks.

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  4. @Everline ~ Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

    @Amanda ~ Thanks, I plan to keep writing. Working at keeping toxic people from my life. It has enough drama, thank you very much.

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  5. Oh my gosh, you poor thing - you have so much going on! I have genuine compassion for you because honey, it's true when they say when it rains it pours. You are in my prayers.

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Thanks for commenting!