Today started rough to say the least. I just woke up irritated. Maybe because I woke up late. 10 am is very late to be waking up when you have 3 little ones running around. Picture this, one full bowl of cereal uneaten, an empty bag that had chocolate donuts in it, two toy bins dumped from bed room to living room, Sean yelling at Bridge to move, and Meg swearing she's starving (of course she is since the uneaten bowl of cereal was hers.) I'm not proud to say that the first thing I did was start yelling like a crazy woman.
Mostly I was mad at myself for not knowing the kids were awake. We have this hurricane type fan in our room and it's great for keeping the room cool but it also drowns out noise from rest of the house. Thus, hard to tell when kids are awake unless they are fighting and screaming loud enough for people in China to hear.
Now reflecting back on it, I wonder what the hell is up with me? Next week can't get here soon enough to suit me. Surely the kids feel the anxiousness of getting back to school. I've been feeling overly exhausted for days. Thought maybe I was coming down with something. My conclusion, I'm exhausted because I'm trying to be everything to everyone and forgetting that I need to take care of me. I need sleep. My kids need me to be on my game. I need to be on my game cause let's face it, kids are the ultimate never know what you're gonna get from one minute to the next some days.
Dave works late into the night on his coin stuff and I feel the need to try to wait up for him. I woke up at 1am still connected to my iPad and no Dave in the bed next to me. Just Sean. As I was taking my shower this morning and calming down from my crazy mama rant it hit me. Through the tears it suddenly became clear. I need to retrain myself to sleep w/o Dave. 15 years of marriage. At various times due to jobs he's had that required him to go out of town often or work when most of us are sleeping I've slept alone. But that's been years ago. I've gotten spoiled with him most always being around working from home, so to speak. During the day he runs around buying or selling inventory. Or taking care of things like getting the kids registered for school. He's great like that. He, like the kids, deserves to have me be on my game and not some crazy woman who yells at everything.
I'm not proud of my actions this morning. I apologized for to my kiddos and my husband for going off the deep end. For the kids, an added lesson of hey we're all human and it happens. We reviewed that dumping two bins of toys from one end of the house to the other was wrong. Fixing a bowl of cereal and then deciding not to eat it, wrong and wasteful. None of that is acceptable. Then we talked about how it's okay to wake Mommy up when you wake up. In fact, I encourage them to do so. BUT I'm no idiot, if I'm up they get away with much less so of course they prefer me to be none the wiser as to what they're up to.
I think we're all ready for school to start. It'll give me the freedom to have a nap during the day while I adjust to going to bed at a decent time w/o Dave. Plus, I'm way more efficient at cleaning when kiddos are not running around famously undoing what I've just cleaned.
Days like today are rare for me but they do happen. I'd venture to guess they happen to other parents, too. How many of us are able to talk about our not so grand moments? I'm not perfect. Just human. These days while few and far between happen. It's how it's handle and how we move in that nakjes a difference. I DO NOT yell all day everyday. I'm happy to embrace the act of time out either for them or for me.
I'm not crazy, just human. Okay, maybe I can be the good kind of crazy sometimes but that's it. In case you're wondering, school starts here next Monday.
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