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Friday, August 26, 2011

It Is What It Is But It Doesn't Have To Be

It is what it is but it doesn't have to be.

There are things I want to know. Things I need to say. I know I'm a strong person. I pray for the strength to say what needs to be said. I pray for patience for those that I have to deal with but would rather not.

I wish my family was close. I know we love each other but I think we're all looking at the past with different rose colored glasses. Burying the truth. Pretending it isn't what it is. Some not even seeming to see the toll it takes on me.

I want to know my family like my hubby knows his. I want to feel that bond. I don't need their version of what happened all those years ago. I don't need to be a part of the drama between the sides. I'm in the middle. I'm part of each side.

I'm not to blame for the past. I once thought I was. It took a very great friend, time, and faith to make me see it was not my fault.

I don't need to know or rehash what happened to cause this split. I simply want to belong again. Feel like I am truly a part of the family and not just an after thought.

It shouldn't matter to them what they think of my daddy or my hubby. It should only matter that we've wasted so much time.

Time they could've been telling me what my Mama was like as a girl. What she was like before what I am sure was Depression then Postpartum Depression or even Postpartum Psychosis took over. I need to know these things from family.

Once a few years ago, not more than that I'm sure, a friend of my Daddy's told me I had my Mom's mannerisms. Really? Those things aren't learned? You see, my Mom, as some know, died when I was 5 months old to the day.

I would love to know how much of her is in me that I'm not aware of. Is she in my girls? Beyond the physical and blood things, of course.

How do I reconnect? My 18 year old self tried desperately to belong. In my twenties it was drifting. I finally stopped trying. It was much to painful to feel rejected.

How do I avoid feeling like I'm in the middle of an ongoing silent war? My Daddy gets very upset if I talk bout them. Almost makes me feel like a traitor. It shouldn't, I know. I am not certain what they think of my Daddy. Why can they not just accept that I am my Mother's daughter, too? Let the past go. At least when and if we are ever together in any way.

I can have realtionships with them all. It isn't necessary for them to like Daddy or Daddy to like them. Isn't necessary to make me feel like I have to be everyone's defender.

Get to know me. Love me for me. If you love me, want to be a part of my life, then you can surely put aside your pain and bitterness of the past. Even if it's only while you're around me.

In my prayers I remember all my family and pray they let the pain/bitterness of the past go. It's the only way forward.

I've reconciled myself to being that Miracle Baby and a Survivor. I could use my past as an excuse for many things but I don't. Instead, I learn from it. I know I could just as easy go down that same path. That one of my kids will be fighting this same thing, too. I feel the past struggles prepared me for this fight. Prepared me to make sure my son knows he is not alone. To know that we know so much more today than yesterday.

I could go on forever. Really. But my heart is telling me this is enough for now.

For now all I can do is breath. Live one day at a time. Be consistent in my faith and prayers.

It is what it is but it doesn't have to be.

And just cause I think it's fitting

Also, late link up with Mama Kat and her fab Writer's Workshop.

The Prompts:

1.) A mom fail moment.
2.) Top Ten Reasons Bacon is Awesome prompt.
3.) Songversation. Take a current song that teens and tweens are listening to, share the lyrics, and offer a conversation that you might have with your child about the song.
4.) Write a post that begins and ends with the same sentence.
5.) Top ten reasons why you’re glad you’re done with school.