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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

How Much?

I know I just tweeted this whole story. Then a light came on, rather late if you ask me, Blog It! So, here I go.

Lately, Sean seems to be all over the place lately. We have a new doctor, who we've only seen once, and are in the process of adjusting meds cautiously and evaluating where we are.

Where we are is in the middle of WTF is going on? Let's face it, yes I know sort of what is going on. But when it comes out of Nowheresville, which seems to be the norm with kids diagnosed as bipolar, it can make your head spin and smoke come out your ears. Sometimes you may lose your cool and forget to stay all calm and in control. That is what happened today.

I picked up the kids from school like I most always do. Sean immediately hops in front and B protests that he sat there yesterday. I calmly point out that B is right, he did sit there yesterday. Which immediately had him screaming mad. I ignored it and calmly said B could sit in front tomorrow and Friday. Which prompted more attitude and crying. I ignored it. Then, I asked, "Where's Meg?" So you know, I expect whoever sits in the back to walk with Meg to the car. Sean yells at me, "It's embarrassing to walk with Meg!" I say, "Maybe it can be sometimes but it is what I expect out of you and B as you are older." More attitude. Imagine that. Then, the coup d'etat, for lack of better term, a teacher comes to the car to tell Sean not to run again in the parking lot as it's dangerous and if he does so again he will have to walk back to the start and try again. This prompted a massive fit and more tears. Which only got worse when I told him he no longer had any privileges for the week due to this behavior. He then started thrashing about the car and banging on the dash. Yelling he hates it here and he wishes he were dead and on and on the tirade I've heard a zillion times goes. The only new facet, him telling me, "It's the medicine that makes me do this and I don't need the medicine!" Not any better is the fact that more and more lately Sean is getting more lippy with everything we say or ask of him. That, I think is probably just normal tween type stuff.

And there I was in the school parking lot waiting in line to exit the parking lot with him acting like that. Me? Near tears. People looking at us and pointing. That is the worst feeling. It angers me that people do that. Whatever happened to mind your own damn business? Yes, my 4th grader is throwing a hissy fit and screaming vile things the all in sundry can hear cause the windows are down cause my air does not work. How bout not making me feel like the worst Mom ever? Or how bout not labeling my kid a problem child? Or looking and pointing, OH that's the one you told me about? Cause for definite sure, your staring only makes it worse. Makes me feel worse. Makes him act worse cause hey he has an audience now. At the same time I have dialed the phone and given it to B, so I'm not in a school zone using the phone, to ask Hubs to meet us in the yard in case I needed help getting him out of the car.

It's really hard to know what is what sometimes. How much is kids stuff? How much is bipolar or ODD? How can I tell which it is? Or is it all of it? It's hard to know sometimes. Logically I know what some of this is and how to tell which it is. Just in the moment it gets all confused. It's all very much like a toddler not getting their way. Only Sean is 10. Where is he getting the notion the medicine is doing this? It's the same medicine he's been on for over a year with only a mild adjustment to help with sleep issues we've been having. He's still not sleeping well but now instead of up and roaming the house or doing goodness knows what, he's coming into our room at anytime from 1am to 3am to sleep in our floor. Which is ok(ish). This way I get sleep and am less anxious and on guard aka Sean watch at night instead of sleeping.

What gets me is for all the world I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. The in laws do not agree with his diagnosis of bipolar or ODD. FIL told me just last weekend that he thought the meds were too high in dosage and that him having to take it for the rest of his life was BS. What happened to agree to disagree? Of course he looks fine now. We are for the most part on an even keel with only the occasional outbursts or issues. They only know of the ugliness that was our roller coaster life with Sean way back when he was 6-8 years old from what we told them happened. They did not live it. Though, MIL has told me she had similar issues dealing with BIL. Hell, BIL still has his moments and he's 30 now. I keep thinking, apple...tree...ring a bell? Of course, I can't say that to her as it would be taken totally wrong. Sean has had 3 psychatrist, 2 independent testings, and 1 hospitalizations all concurring with one another that Sean has these problems.

And kinda not about this but involved is the fact that MIL for all the world acts and talks as if she would like us to stay living with them but in a bigger house. I'm mixed about this. It has pros and cons, of course. How can I continue to live with people who are not 100% behind me and Hubs on this Sean thing? I mean, once they bought in but it was convenient to make a problem go away, more or less. Now it seems they are back to questioning what we are deciding to do. Do they think deciding to get answers and help for Sean was an easy path? Or deciding that medication while scary and basically in trial phases in kids was a decision we made lightly? I don't even know how to discuss them with them logically cause they seemed tuned out to it. Personally, I think if they believe Sean has these issues and likely will forever then they have to also look at their youngest child and admit he could have it, too. But really, that's another story.

Right now, I know we are doing what we need to do. Days like this just reinforce it. But eventually, I feel that the in laws need to understand, too. Or at least go back to agree to disagree and give him his meds if and when we are not here in the evening.

I know I am not alone in living this. Getting this out there not only helps me vent and work it out it might help someone else or someone else might be able to help me. I feel better now that I got this out of my system.