Sick

So here I am sitting. Thinking. Worrying. Probably obsessing. My heart is just sick.

Sick that Sean is in the Child/Adolescent Psych Ward. Sick that he is there for the second time. Yeah, I know there are kids that a far worse off than Sean. Kids whose parents/caregivers are doing their best to understand and help their kid and sometimes that isn't enough, it seems. Flip side is that some parents/caregivers maybe could give a flying flip what got their child to that point and how to move on with better understanding and tools/techniques.

Sick that I think we are at a point where most all of us understand what is going on and what to do. Even understand that if we do not continue to stay on top of it all that it could get very ugly. Of course, no guarantees that even if the medicine is right and that we do the right things that another explosion could happen. Probably will. Nature of the beast of bipolar, or so I think I understand.

Sick that this is tearing everyone in this house up in a different manner. I know that I am a hairs breadth from crying at any given moment. But I am also determined to focus on solutions and the future. Looking back, not good. The past is the past. Learn from it. Move on. I see Hubs torn and trying to be strong and not show that he is.

At our visit with Sean today we realized, again, that we must be unified. A solid team of adults on the same page. That agree to disagree policy Nana has is no longer good enough. Maybe it's fine if she disagrees BUT she must not let Sean know she feels that way. Sean must see that we are one team and not divided. A talk with Nana is coming. Hubs was going to talk to Pop tonight about this. Then Pop or both of them would talk to Nana about it. How vitally important it is she gets it. That this is not about blame. Not about who said or did what and when. Not how I probably made him this way some how. Not about getting defensive because she thinks we think she's at fault. We all have a bit of the blame of not doing the right things or saying the right things and mishandling situations. I don't know of any parent or grandparent or caregiver that has always done the perfectly perfect thing.

Tomorrow we all go to visit Sean. Before the visit comes a family pow wow of sorts. With a counselor or some other qualified professional to sit with and talk about how serious this is with Sean. How serious it is that he seems to only be explosive with females. That he's less likely to take on males. But when mostly females in charge are around he will and does act up and test the limits. That it's probably not if he attacks me again but when. And it might not even be me. It could be any female. That we need a game plan for if/when it happens. One that he knows is deadly serious. Like, if he attacks again we call the police. Even if it's just a minor barely feel it punch. So he knows we can and will call.

I am obsessively thinking and worrying over this. I know this eats at Nana. Know it. I know she knows there is a problem. In the past she has thought it was just me/bad parenting. I think she is coming down off that stance. I think that living here in their has shown them what we were talking about all those years ago. Actually, maybe it wasn't so many years ago. Three years since his last hospital visit. We were getting treatment and help before that.

Anyway, we've, me and Hubs, have always been proactive in getting treatment and such. It's tough way to live. Some days it's really like waiting for that other shoe to fall. Now it's less about that and more about recognizing severe signs of trouble when we see them. So maybe we can avoid another hospital trip. Or worse.

Todays visit was tough. So tough in fact that we decided not to go tonight. I called Sean to talk to him and he immediately asked if I was on the way. I said no. He wanted to know if I was coming and when. Again, no. Immediate tears and whining from his end. Hello possible manipulation. Yeah, he could be upset that I wasn't coming but usually when he cries it's him trying to get you to do what he wants. Then is was all about how unfair our earlier visit was and focusing on stuff we had already along with staff told him was not acceptable. He was whining and crying then, too. I signaled Hubs it was time to go. A nurse had politely told us that it was perfectly acceptable to leave when he acts like this and send the sign that sort of behavior is wrong and will not get you what you want.

Alternatively, he seems to think this visit is a vacation. Keeps asking us to bring him things. Things that he does not have at home. Like he really wants the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. First time he mentioned it I said we'd see. After talking it over with Hubs we agreed that we were not against buying him books but we were not going to reward the behavior that led to the hospital. I feel strongly that is a good stance. I've only taken clothes, hygiene products, his Boys Life Magazine, and a thinking of you type card. He also has a book he took with him when we went to the hospital for evaluation/assessment.

I hate this bipolar thing. Really hate it. Hate ODD, too. Don't really understand either of them. Hate that it seems to be winning and dividing this family. Hate that it's not an understood/accepted thing. Hate that I feel isolate sometimes. Like a pariah. Like, Oh that's so and so's Mom and he's bad news. WTF?! If he had any other sicknesses or learning disabilities people would trip over themselves to understand or help. This bipolar thing is scary and it is real. The most dangerous thing is to feel isolated.

It's also dangerous to be unsure of yourself as a parent. That is where I am. I keep second guessing myself. Keep wondering what in the hell I did to cause it. Yet, knowing I did nothing but be his Mom. I am worried about what the future holds and if he really will attack me again. I am worried and scared that in the meeting tomorrow Nana will get defensive and play the blame game and not hear a damn word any of is hearing.

Of course, a lot of that is out of my control. All I can do is soak up as much understanding and techniques as possible and use them. Help teach them to others who live here and are in charge. Maybe others who do not live here and are sometimes in charge of my kids. And pray. I can pray. Pray that God will help me and all of us to understand and accept this and give us the strength to move forward. Pray we all come together for the sake of this little boy.

Maybe even have a hand in educating people out their about these sorts of things. Yeah, maybe that kid  in the store throwing a tantrum is just going through a phase. Especially if he/she's at that right age to be doing. But if that kid is not at the right age. Just maybe me talking about it will open up people to other possibilities. Rather than saying to yourself that mother (or whoever) has no control over that kid or how can they allow that? Just maybe you'll think that kid may have an unseen issue like bipolar. Just maybe you smile at that mother and don't judge. Trust me, we feel like we are judged all the freaking time. We also struggle with self confidence and fear. Fear to go out into the world cause we don't know what might cause our kid to lose it.