What A Day!

You know, today started so well. It really did. I think today was the most up and down day I've had in awhile.

Today was Bridgette's last GS Summer Extreme event. (Master of Disaster learning about severe weather and such). Today's event marked the last of her summer Girl Scout activities. (1 Twilight Camp, 1 Day Camps & 3 Summer Extreme events)

The day started with such promise. Thanks to my inner clock I woke up about 6:50am (ish), 20 minutes later than I wanted to wake up. Wondered why the alarm didnt' go off. Realized the alarm didn't go off because I set it for  630pm instead of am. No big. I smile on my way to the shower, I mean, I woke up almost on time. Good start. Not likely we'll have to skip breakfast at Whataburger.  Still plenty of time.

As I walked into my room and flipepd on my light, ready to wake Sean I see Bridge in my bed. She's there peeking at me and smiling. I think to myself that's another good sign. The one that takes the longest to get motivated and out the door is awake. I kick both them out of my room with instructions to go get dressed.

After straightening up my room, I go to look up and print the driving directions to where I need to take Bridge. In walks Meg. She's all sunshine and roses. YAY! So far so good. Before I can ask her to go get dressed she tells me she just wanted to say morning before she got dressed. As soon as she's dressed, Meg goes to the bathroom and asks if I am goin to do her hair. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I proceed to fix her piggy tails. All went smooth. The piggy tails were perfectly perfect on the first try. (This doesn't usually happen.)

At this point, I'm beginning to wonder if these kids are mine. Then it happens. A crash. A scream. (that's more like it) I run to the girls room and they're in a heated argument over a toy. This resulted in the crashing of things from top of the display cabinet thing (really technical, I know. I have no idea what it's called. ) On the floor is a Bible that was Pop's when he was a kid, a ceramic cross, and the book holder the Bible was on. In my head I bemoan the fact that the Bible is no longer 100% in tact, not that it was in perfect condition before or anything. I pick everything up and set it aside. Give the girls my best disappointed face and give them what for as quick and quietly as possible. (BIL still asleep.) Send Bridge to the bathroom so I can do her hair. She usually gives me fits but we managed to get her hair fixed on the first try to. Sean decided he wanted to do his hair, too. So, I help instruct him on how muss up his hair. (You know, that oh so hard to get just right rolled out of bed look) He did well for his first attempt at styling his own hair.

We finally managed to leave the house at 8am, 30 minutes later than I wanted to leave.  Halfway to Whataburger I realize I left the house with out the driving directions. I decide that I'd rather eat breakfast sitting in Whataburger than while driving down the road. I have a vague idea of where the place I need to go to is.

While eating breakfast I realize I forgot to pack Bridge's lunch! Rush the kids through breakfast so we can stop at the grocery store on the way.  I begin to wonder what the heck has happened to my morning? Then I realize that this is my normal. Putting out fires and rushing to get where we need to be. In the back of my mind I'm worried that I don't have enough time to find this place. I don't have my directions and I don't have my cell phone. I let hubby take my cell phone thinking I wouldn't need it as much as he might while he's out of town and all.

Then like an angel smiling from heaven is the map we bought when we went on vacation. I remember it has more detailed maps of the bigger areas. YES! There it was, a better map of Fort Worth. I locate the street I need and how to get there. Off we went. I look at the clock and see we have 20 minutes to get there. I tell myself that's plenty of time. I can do this! I don't need a stinking cell ph w/GPS or my driving directions printed from Google Maps. After all, people have done so without all the fancy smancy equipment.

Exactly 20 minutes later I start to panic. I am on the correct street but I cannot find the American Red Cross Center. How hard is that to find? I mean, it's definitely not gonna be a nondescript building. I tell myself I must've remembered the address wrong. No problem, find a gas station. Admit defeat and ask for directions. Only the gas station I stopped at had a guy who had no clue where the American Red Cross Center was. Not sure he knows what the American Red Cross Center is. My first clue, really should've been the fact he was wearing an Achmed the Dead Terrorist T-Shirt. (It was of Achmed holding a lit bomb and saying I Keel You!) If you saw this guy you'd have laughed at the irony of him wearing that shirt. (I did in my head, didn't want to be rude.) He whips out his cell ph and shows me where the place should be. I tried explaining to him I may have the address wrong as I left my directions at home. Could he look up the American Red Cross Center? It was lost on him. He once again tells me where the address is, even points out between what streets. Only it wasn't.

I was close to tears. I might have been openly freaking out that I had no clue where we were or how to get where I needed to be. I was close to saying the heck with it and let's go home. Then it appeared! OH THANK HEAVEN it's a 7 Eleven! I go inside and ask the nice looking young girl if she knows where the American Red Cross Center is. She doesn't but goes to get the manager. HALLELUJAH! He knows and I'm not far off the mark of where I was headed. He didn't even laugh when I asked where the street he was talking about was. (Turns out, it was the street I was on. I had no clue. Panic was close to controlling me.)

At 9:30am I walk inside the building and sign Bridge in. They just started. (I wasn't the only one who was running late/got lost, apparently)

I am so stinking proud of myself at this point, it really isn't funny. I mean, I did it. Even though I freaked out momentarily, I still got Bridge where she needed to go.  Bridge doesn't even look back at me as I say goodbye.

I get Sean and Meg in the car and we head to the nearest theatre. Sean asks if I know where that is. Yes, indeed I do. When we get there I look at what's showing and what they can watch. I had planned on the Winnie the Pooh movie but forgot about Zoo Keeper. Decide on Pooh since it starts an hour earlier than Zoo Keeper. After getting the tickets a look of confusion crosses my face. I thought I told him 3 tickets (2 kids, 1 adult). The ticket guy smiles and says it's okay he didn't charge me for the little one (Meg). WOW! That was an unexpected surprise. I thank him and we go purchase our movie goodies. I was also pleasantly surprised by the Winnie the Pooh movie. It was not too excruciating to sit through. Hearing Meg's giggles through out, totally made it worth it.

Now to keep them occupied for couple more hours. This was accomplished by a trip to Wal Mart (survived the Sean tirade of I thought I could get a toy cause I was so good blah blah blah). I got the movie I went in to buy, another replacement Uno game, and AA batteries for the X Box controllers. With time still to kill we go for ice cream.

We go to pick up Bridge. She's all a buzz bout what they did and what she learned. Which helped pass the time we spent stuck in traffic. (4 lane highway reduced to 2 lanes for what seemed like ever). When we finally get home I am never so happy as to see anywhere in my life.

We survived the day. I persevered and we made it through the day. Me, Sean, and Meg had good time. Just the three of us. Bridge was over the getting there issues as soon as we hit the parking lot of the American Red Cross building. Me, maybe not as quickly. I seriously never do well when lost. I almost always panic. I maybe need to work on that. I don't want to teach my kids that. Even though I did flip out a bit, they saw that I never gave up. Everything turned out right in the end. That's maybe the point and the lesson of the day. I hope they remember that rather than Mom freaked out.

#WineParty Movies

Okay, just so you are fairly warned: It is 12:36am CST as I start to type this. I've had only 2 glasses of white wine the entire evening. Not too long ago I got off the phone with my hubby, Dave. Dave is out of town on business. I love that he called just to chat before bed. Kinda sweet/sad he knew I wasn't/wouldn't be asleep. Anyway, this isn't about that phone call. No, this is about #WineParty Movies. Some tweeps have been known to Vlog during/after #wineparty. Me? I tried to lay down but this post just kept running through my poor brain. I just had to write it or have it forever haunt me, ya know?

Tonight as some of my twitter and wine party friends may recall I was trying to find a movie to watch on Netflix while I chatted on twitter. Normally what I'm watching is a non issue but tonight I was faced with a dilemma. I wondered if others had at one time or another had this issue, too.

What are good #wineparty movies?

If you don't know what #wineparty is you can probably stop reading right now.

If, by chance, you are still reading, #WineParty is a twitter thing. It happens every Friday at 8pm CST and goes til who knows when. I think it ends when the last person tweeting forgets to put #wineparty in their tweets, goes to bed, or whatever. During a #wineparty it is not uncommon for people to go missing (sometimes due to #twitterjail) or for nonsense to abound. My view of #wineparty is it's a way to relax, unwind, and have fun while getting to know other people on twitter whom you may not otherwise run across. Got it? Good.

Now back to the problem at hand. #WineParty Movies. Say you're like me. You like to have something on the TV. Maybe TV sometimes acts background noise (cause you cannot stand the complete silence even though you dream of it all day long). You want something that you can watch but not watch. You know, an old favorite you've seen so many times it's not funny. A movie that you can watch and no matter your attention span you are never lost. A movie that is not complicated and doesn't require your full undivided attention.

Tonight I watched Little Shop of Horrors during #WineParty. It's a quirky little movie that is good to watch when you don't know what to watch. It's not necessarily an old fav, just something that can play in the background while you tweet. You're not likely going to need to back up this flick and re watch a part just cause you missed it.

I must've spent easily, 20 minutes or more trying to find a movie to watch. Hubby wasn't home so horror and flicks that make you cry were out. Movies I haven't seen before and might require me to pay attention were also out.

Most times, I listen to music or whatever movie/tv show hubby is playing but what if you are alone. What is good back ground tv/movie?

Here is my list of #WineParty Movies (in no particular):

Little Shop of Horrors
Gone with the Wind (I've seen it so many times it's not funny but if you haven't then I wouldn't put it on the list)
any of the Oceans movies. (Ocean's 11, 12, 13)
Cheers (in case you fancy TV shows)
Arsenic & Old Lace (again, if you haven't seen it I'd leave it off the list but would definitely tell you it's a must watch any other time)

These are just off the top of my head. What movies do you think should be listed? Movies not your thing, what music do you think should be on the list?

Please, never tell me that you are comfortable sitting in silence in a semi dark room chatting on twitter. To me, that's just so wrong. Ok? Ok.

So, what are you waiting for? Comment away and tell me what you do doing #wineparty, besides tweet and partake of your favorite beverage. What movies do you think are #wineparty movies? What should be on a #wineparty music list?

On My Heart & Mind

Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are. 

I may not always know the right words to say. I may not always say or do the right things. I am human, these things will happen.

When I am in need, I know I can pray. God may not always answer but He always hears.

I may not have had the most ideal family life. God watched over me. Protected me. Guided my every step. He did these things even when I didn't fully know who He is. Even more so in those dark days I lost my faith.

He sent me my BFF Rachel to see me through some of the worst times. A friend who never once said I cannot be bothered with you or your issues. No. She always had time. If she didn't, she made time. Truly, we did this for each other. Still do this. We often joke we're long lost sisters. Truth is, we are sisters. We are more than Best Friends. We are family. We are sisters. 

He sent me David and his family to show me what family is. What mine could be.

I'm so blessed to have these people in my life. Thanks to them I've never felt alone or that I didn't belong. Everyday I'm a little better for having them in my life. 

It's amazing to me how these pople that are the closest to me, that know more about me than most anyone else, how they know when I need them the most. When to push for answers and when to back off. Who can tell when I'm faking it and demand to know what is wrong and how they can help. 

I hope and pray that I give them as much as they give me. 

I'll never truly be able to tell them all they did for me.  

These are two of the people I feel that no matter if I made different choices they would still have ended up in my path.

It's true, you can't chose family. You can choose your friends. Your friends define you better than anything else. 

God and these two people inspire me to keep reaching for my dream. Those that know me best, they know what that is. Others will guess at it and be wrong. 

Thanks! 

Vlog Talk ~ Behind the Drama

Linking up with the fabulous trio behind Vlog Talk Elena from Mommy Is In Timeout, Jessica from My Time As Mom, & Kate from Mommy Monologues. 





The Prompts:

1.) Photo slideshow of anything you want (have fun with it – add transitions, words, music)

2.) Date night with your significant other (this vlog can also be linked up with Project Marriage at Life Without Pink and MommyFriend)

3.) Wildcard! You can do any past prompt you want – just be sure to tell us which one you are doing in your post. (Submitted by Patch of Blue)

I chose 3) Wildcard
Vlog of my kids. I interviewed them or tried to. I was "attacked" by a couple of them. I call it Behind the Drama. It on the longish side. I have 3 kids. Each kid gets roughly a min or so each. That's fair, right? It's a little random but good view of the kind of antics that go on here. Enjoy! (when you're done please come save me)

Bonus Clip: Extra Sean Interview (he wasn't happy w/the other one)

Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief they do not play video games all day. Just seems like it. =) Bridge did learn about Native American at her Day Camp but when asked about it off camera I was instructed to go look at her folder. On camera this question was overshadowed by Meg taking up whole camera view and talking over Bridge. (Big Surprise, I know.) Thus, the only thing she apparently learned and is willing to share is her songs. Also cut out was Bridge shoving Meg during her Mama Don't Wear No Socks but that song take had so many start overs it was impossible to edit it smoothly. So really, Meg shoving Bridge was pay back. This goes on all the time, most days. SAVE ME!

Big Brother Recaps ~ Episodes 2,3, 4

Looking for my BB13 Post?

Please visit HERE to read it.. Thanks to The Media Blast for hosting my Big Brother Blog Recaps.

I Heart

Linking up w/Mama Kat and her Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop.

What about you?

The Prompts:

1.) Write about a time you had to crawl through a window. (inspired by Barb from Half Past Kissin’ Time)

2.) List of 10 shows you’re glad have seen their last day.
3.) A bad day.
4.) Share a joke that always makes you laugh.
5.) On a piece of paper write down something that makes you happy…take a photo of your paper and wa la…there’s your post.
6.) Has your child thrown a temper tantrum in public? Create a video describing what happened and how you handled it.

Happy Anniversary, Baby!

So today is mine and my hubby's 15th Wedding Anniversary! A seemingly amazing number in this day and age. Which is kind of sad to me. I know a handfull who got married at about the same time as we did, give or take a year or two, and are no longer together for this reason or that. Only me, my BFF Rach, and one other friend are still married. My hubby/me & BFF/her hubby were the ones they said would not make it. Shows what they knew, right?

I was 18 and he was 20. This is really young even by todays standards. I am ever so thankful and proud we made it this far. We did it with a lot of help from family and frineds, at times, and even more help from God. There are several occasions it would've been easy to give up and walk away. I'm ever so glad we are still giving it all we got.

Dave is a great person! A lot of people miss that. I didn't. He's the kind of person that you really gotta get to know. If you met him you'd think he's so nice. But like most people, you gotta dig deeper. See what's what. I'm not sure a lot of people could've handled me as well as he does. We have our share of tiffs, to be sure, but we always come back better and stronger.

I'm not sure I could be as open about my past with anyone, if he and his family had not accepted me for who and what I was. They told me I was their's same as if they gave birth to me. It's because of them that I slowly found my faith again. My trust in God. Slowly started finding my path. Who I am.

Who I am is more than just a wife and a mother. I am a survivor. I am living breathing proof that God does exist and watches out for us even when we are not aware of it. Dave, he helped me to see this. His family, too. I realized I am not the only one bad, or extremely bad things, happen to. But that you cannot let it define you. You cannot let it be your excuse or crutch.

We had 5 years together before Sean came along in 2001. 5 wonderful years we got to grow together. Sure, we wanted kids in the worst way from the get go, but it wasn't in the cards. As with everything, it happens for a reason. God has a plan.

15 years later we have three of the best kids out there. OK, so that's biased. I'll live with it. They are our miracles. Little pieces of us and our families'. Each one with their own special story and path.

15 years ago I said I do and though I may joke from time to time about upgrading or whatever, I know that Dave is a piece of me. A piece I'd miss as surely as I miss those I've lost in my life.

15 years ago today,or days before or days after, I was sitting on our bed practicing how I'd sign my name. I thought at the time that it was such a childish thing to do, but now I'm not so sure.

15 years ago today, my BFF rushed herself to be at my wedding as my Maid of Honor as my Matron of Honor couldn't make it (for reasons related to her pregnancy though I'm not sure it was labor). She helped keep a frantic husband to be calm about my tardiness. No, not cold feet on my part or anything. I was with my future MIL who is almost always chronically late. So yes, I was late to my own wedding and Rach met me in the parking lot and practically shouted, "Thank God you are here! He thought you left him at the alter!" How that crossed his mind when I was with his mother I have no idea. He really should've known why I was late. Then again, wedding days are strange emotional filled days.

15 years ago today, I giggled with Rach as I took off my shoes and shoved them under a pew. You see, I'd failed to break the darn things in and they were killing my feet!

15 years ago today, I rode in the car to my Wedding Reception smiling like a fool holding hands with my brand new husband. Watching in awe and disbelief as he called the local light radio station (KVIL 103.7 FM) to request a song for his new wife. The thought of that gesture and the wow factor that was listening to him through the radio speakers, still brings tears to my eyes. The song, was Chicago's You're the Inspiration.

15 years ago I began a new journey in my life. Baby I Love You!! Here's to 15+ more years! You constantly inspire me to be more than I am. To improve. You are forever understanding of my flaws. You've seen some of the darkest days of my life and never batted an eyelash when I needed you. Never balked when I'd wake screaming in the night. Never failed to make the decision to go to the hospital when I was pregnant with the girls and having pre term labor problems. You made me feel less ridiculous at those moments. Even though you grunted at my desire to change out of my jammies and brush my teeth.

God sent me you and now we are happy! We are one, yet still uniquely us.

I. Love. You.

Here are two songs I dedicate to you today!

Vlog Talk ~ Best Memory

Linking up with the fabulous trio behind Vlog Talk Elena from Mommy Is In Timeout, Jessica from My Time As Mom, & Kate from Mommy Monologues. 



This week’s prompts:

1.) A song that describes parenting for you
2.) Your child does what that drives you nuts? (Submitted by Mama Wants This)
3.) A best memory (Submitted by Ms. P Drama)

I chose Prompt 3: My Best Memory

You may be wondering what in the world I am doing. I'll tell ya, multitasking. I am ripping seams from the sleeves and hem of Bridge's shirt so I can fringe it. If you follow me on Twitter you may remember me talking about it.

Just in case you may be unfamiliar w/the song.

Best Use of Car A/C Ever?

So, this evening when the hubby got home from the coin show, I immediately high tailed it outta the house. After previous attempts to escape this house to go visit my daddy I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way.

I bet you think I am joking. I assure you I am not. On Friday I got late notice of Bridge's GS Troop Mini Golf Outing. (As my twitter friends may recall me mentioning we were doing in the blazing heat of the evening.) So then, the plan became I would go visit after hubby got home on Sat. BUT WAIT, he got home too late for me to go. Thus, today was the day!

So as I was jamming out to the tunes blasting from the radio. Once again groaning at how ineffective my car's A/C is in this Texas heat. I think, you know what sounds good....a shake! YEAH! My inner self screamed. We deserve a shake! Hmmm, where to go? Jack in the Box! OH YEAH! Curly Fries, too!

As I was parked at the light waiting to turn I reach for a fry. OMG! They were hot and fresh! AWESOME! But how to cool it? I'm much to impatient to wait for this yummy goodness. Plus, I needed time for the shake to be at it's most suckable enjoyableness! (yeah, I said it) There right in front of me was a fry cooler offer! My A/C vent! Sure, it was doing little to cool me at the moment but it could cool a fry to it's best edible temperature. Oh yes it could!

I'm pretty sure I wasn't even out of town before most all my fries were gone. By the time I hit the highway interchange, no more fries. But there right next to me was my yummy strawberry goodness. The cherry long since gone the moment I got it. Most of the whipped cream, too.

It was the best car ride ever! I was alone. Jamming to what I wanted to listen to. No kids yelling or begging for just a bite or a sip. Mine! All Mine!

By time I got to the rehab hospital that shake was history! And of course, the A/C had finally started to really cool off the car.

I was a very happy girl. I sat down and visited daddy for at least a good hour and a half. It was a great visit. He even watched Big Brother for a little bit. He made it half way through before he changed it to the History Channel. But that's okay. We talked more than we watched T.V. and that's a bit unusual for us.

Everyone is ready for him to be home but none more than him. Yet, he knows that if they suggest another week he won't argue. He'd rather be well when he leaves than chance an infection and have to go back. I'm thankful I can visit with him and that our visits are getting better. I hope this doesn't change when he does get home.

Love Y'all

I've been trying to figure a way to reply to comments easier. A better way for having discussions as it were. I mean, I almost always return comments. I wondered though, did my readers realize this? After some blog visiting and stalking, some more stalking via Twitter I decided upon Intense Debate. So for those of you who've been talking about it, thank you for your insights!



I added intense debate to my blog for comments. In the process I blinked and selected a wrong choice. Imagine my surprise when I went to view my blogs and I had no comments. NONE! OMG!

After a little freak out, I took deep breath. Realized that I could still see the old comments but they were no longer public. I can still see and appreciate them in my comments section.

I appreciate all my readers and those that feel the need to comment. I am not gonna lie and say I don't mind not getting comments, but I do love getting comments. I. Love. It. As does any blogger, I'm sure. We like to be reminded we have actual readers. Even though we can see that our blogs are getting hits. It's still nice to know. By the same token, I wanted to let my Readers know that I didn't purposely delete comments from public view. That I love and appreciate the time they take to read my blogs and even my Vlogs. I love that I have readers and people who want to comment! LOVE IT!

So for my lovely readers

Big Bloggy Hugs to all y'all!

Image found here

Word Vomit & Emotional Release

WARNING:
Ok, I apologize in advanced to my readers. This is very likely going to come out in a raw rambling mess. I just tried to lay down and go back to sleep and my brain refused to shut off. I've learned from experience that it's best to get things off my chest rather than hold onto them. It's just healthier.


Also, if you don't like graphic images, do not watch the P!nk video. It's hard to watch but in the end is alright. 

Yes, it's been a difficult week. Last weekend I heard about my Grandma Baker's death. Most know how shaken I was. Mostly because I hadn't seen her in years. Or anyone from my Mom's side of the family. That, well that is another story, as they (whoever they are) say. The fact is, it got me to thinking about things.

Then, I went to Grandma's funeral. I was so thankful I could go. Thankful that I was informed. Thankful that someone would be able to watch my kids, even if it was just hubby and I would take that 2 hour drive myself.  Turns out, Nana was able to stay home and watch the kids. Even though I felt out of place and really didn't know what to say to anyone, I was thankful.

She's buried where my Mom is. Where my Daddy's parents are buried. Where his Mom's parents are buried. It upset me that I let small things stop me from having family connection that went wrong in so many places. I looked at those headstones, and bawled while chatting with my departed loved ones. Some who knew me better than I knew them. You see,  I lost my Mom, as most know, when I was 5 months old to the day. Just days before I turned one, Grandma Barbara died. I am trying to recall the date of death for my Great Grandma, but am at a loss for the date. I think it was after Grandma Barbara but cannot swear to it. I also think I visited her in a nursing home when I was little, but again, I cannot swear to it. Clearly, these people knew me better than I knew them. But there I sat crying over the loss of it all. made a deciion that my family, hubby and the kids, would not have to feel what I felt for so many years. That if there was anything I could do I would get my family connection. The sense of well being that brings. Never will they ever wonder if they were loved, thought about, or wonder what they did to earn that rejected feeling. To have family fighting over God knows what. No one wins in that situation. No one.

During and through all this, around rolls July 4th. I realize I had messed up. Sean's meds were empty. Hop on comp to refill it only to realize there aren't any refills left. Begin Sean drama over the weekend and the week. Do I really need to go into what it's like when you are on daily meds and suddenly they're stopped? Add to the fact that I had just one day to prepare him for the fact me and his dad were leaving town for a whole day. Most of us do not respond well to upset in our routines. Bipolar people are even worse. Plus, I am having to find him new doctor cause his has retired. Small inconvenience. I really liked him. It only took us couple years and several doctors to get one that thought my opinion counted for something. I was praying that they could fit him in with another doctor in the practice, but as I found out on the way to Iowa Park for Grandma's funeral, no such luck. All I could think was not again. I know, that it's not the end. That  I will move heaven and earth if I have to to get the right doctor for my son. I had to forgive myself, too. I'm human. Though others may think I constantly have it together, I'm often faking it til I make it. Sean's issues scare the hell out of me. Not the ADHD or the ODD but the Bipolar. As much study as I've done I still don't understand it. I'm still learning. Still trying to explain it to those that understand it less than me. Those that would have me believe that it's a Pop diagnosis. Trust me when I say it wasn't easy to start this path. I don't care who you are it is never ever easy to admit your kid has a problem. Much less seek help and decide to medicate. To wonder, did I do this. Did I create this? Fact is, it's genetic. It came from my side or hubby's side or heaven help us maybe both. To look at it and dismiss it is to only deny the past. Deny what may be wrong in others we love. To see in hindsight that the tragic death of my Mom might have helped prepare me to make the hard decisions. To not allow another I love to meet that end or to suffer in any way if I could prevent it.

Weeks before I let another comment upset me. I think it started an unnecessary Facebook fight. Both sides meant well but it was me in the middle. Again. I didn't intend for it to happen. Who does? Sure, there are those that seek out this kind of stuff cause they cannot be happy unless others are miserable. Me? I'm not one of those. Again, I point to the extremely rocky road I had to travel to get this wisdom I have now. Loss of my mother. Sides of the family fighting. Me in the middle. As if young childhood days weren't suffering enough, along came my teen years. Yeah, those years have built in problems. Mine, were amplified by that lost and rejected feeling I spoke of earlier.

Take a side with me here...I haven't really poured out all the facts of those years, just glossed over it in a a post I called Not Her. Let me put it this way, I was set up to look like I was crazy. To scare the hell out of my Daddy, make him think it was happening to him all over again, and to eventually be sent away because apparently I was in the way of the greater plan. It ended up with me spending couple years in a small town. Living with the pastor of our church at the time. Being sexually abused. Then sent to children's home. I hid all that. Told very few. Oh, those years in the children's home might have saved what was left of me. Given me new perspective. One I didn't appreciate at the time. Even they saw what others didn't, I was perfectly fine and healthy. They helped me get a doctor to take me off meds I didn't need. Proved that I was set up to look crazy. Then, when I had finally started to come to terms with it and realize the abuse was not my fault and to start taking a stand for myself, that woman who was my step mom for several years, the one I believe added to my problems with mental abuse, told me point blank that I would not have been sexually abused if I wasn't such a horrible person. You heard that right. Then, she proceeded to tell me to not tell this to my Daddy as no one needed to die for what was my fault. WTH!

I still have never told my dad. Very few knew about it, til now. Even fewer know how ironic that is. I wanted a mom and family so bad I tried to be what they wanted and it was never enough.

Ok, now that we have that understood....A few weeks ago, I went on vacation. I was overwhelmed by lots of other things going in my head that I was in San Antonio before I realized I hadn't called to see how Daddy was and tell them I was going on vacation. The vacation was literally an impromptu thing. A challenge for my hubby to see if he could make enough at a coin show to get us away for the better part of a week. As any of my Twitter friends can tell you, I was open about how sick my Daddy was. Rectal and Prostrate cancer. I didn't share it on Facebook like I did on Twitter. Then, that changed. I was doing just fine til someone who knows and loves me worried that I was letting inconsequential things come between my daddy and I. That they had heard that I refused to visit my daddy in the hospital. Something hubby had said to another connection only made that statement appear true and prompt advice to me to realize how sick he was and that I didn't need to let it come between us at this time. Hubby apologized to me and told me that he thought he had added to it unknowingly. At least he was honest about it. I got steamed that someone would mislead someone else to believe I didn't care about my Daddy. Fact is I was there 2 out of 3 surgeries. Visited and called. Maybe not as often as I could have. But we mere humans do our best. I told my BFF all about this and wondered who the hell would say such a thing and to what end. I was nearly broken by it. If anyone reading this wants to admit they said it, great. I've long since forgiven it. What else can I do? I know the truth of what was going on. Others know it, too. I was open with those around me what I had heard had been said. Given my experiences of my youth what else would I do? I cannot hold onto it. I cannot take it personally that someone wants to spew filth about me. I can only control me.

Then the fight exploded on Facebook. I never said anything to anyone about the rumor again. I just let it go. Then an honest and light hearted status update got ugly. If you follow me on Twitter or my personal FB page then you know I was posting couple nights ago about my girls not sleeping. That they shut the door thinking it would magically hide them from my radar. I wondered if it was a sister bonding thing. Said I didn't know cause I didn't have sisters. That's fact, I do not have blood sisters. Did not grow up with sisters. Didn't get sisters til I was 10 and Daddy married a woman that had 4 girls from previous marriage. It was not instant love between us all. I'll admit I wanted it to be. Wanted to have that family feeling. Wanted it so bad that I ached. Truth is, 2 of them were grown and gone. One was uber cool to me and we bonded then became estranged later. The youngest one, well I feel she and I never did connect the same way. Still aren't close, really. Though I love and care for them all, I can admit the truth. That as bad as you want a family connection you can make it out of thin air. The truth is that she and I were in conflict a lot. My littlest step sis' significant other wondered at the thought that I said I had no sisters. That is when the fight was apparently on. True, you don't have to be blood to feel like family. Hate to say it, I just don't feel what they think I should or want me to. I just can't.

How can you be really truly close to anyone who was in the midst of all that and still believes that there is no problem? I've lived it. I know that as she died that woman told my Daddy she was sorry for what she did to me. Fact.

I don't mean to hurt anyone with this. Just getting it out of my system so it cannot poison me. I tell the truth as I see it. Who doesn't. I just happen to not look at the world through rose colored glasses. The cold hard truth is never easy. Yet, it's necessary. Necessary that I share this. That those involved understand how lost and hurt I was and sometimes still am. I am forever connected to them because of the marriage of my Daddy to their mother. Now Daddy has been remarried to the most wonderful lady and I have 2 more step siblings and more nieces and nephews. I love them all.

But what I really want, is what I lost. The closeness to my Daddy that I had before I turned 10. That, I'll never truly get back.

I've been missing a piece of me. Due to no fault of my own, or so I thought, I lost part of me. At the same time, as odd as it sounds, I found me.

In finding me, I realize how I'm truly blessed and a survivor. I am that miracle baby. The one who wasn't supposed to make it, but dd.

I want my family back. I want closeness with the family I should've grown up knowing. The family that even when I was going through the Sean thing I should never have give up on. The ones that knew my Mom. I tried, they tried, yet what were but almost strangers? I mean to fix this. Or give it my absolute best. My Mom, she would want that I believe. She wouldn't want the past to keep us apart. She'd want both sides to realize it's me in the middle. Me suffering the most. My kids, they deserve to know where I came from, and them, too. They deserve to know the truth of my life. To understand why I care so much bout getting the right help for Sean. To understand that right now, I am struggling with anxiety and depression. A fact I share with Sean so he will know we all struggle with something. Some more than others.

Just like in the movie 28 Days and Sandra Bullock's character said and learned, I can only control me and my actions. (I may have paraphrased that) And just like in another Sandra Bullock movie, Hope Floats.

That is all. If you made it this far, thanks. If this was offensive to you, sorry you feel that way but  I refuse to be ashamed or hide my truth any more.

I now feel like I can sleep. That nothing is keeping me awake now.

EDITED: a little music to go with this emotionally wrought (is that the right word) post. Again, thanks for reading all the drama.

Big Brother 13 ~ Season Premiere

Linked up w/ @TheMediaBlast and may I say the post looks much better over there. Their main page The Media Blast. Thanks for hosting me!

Big Brother 13

Well it's summer time. Summer time means a lot more than just kids out of school. About the time I start to go crazy with my 3 kids at home (or at least in the vicinity) all day long along comes my guilty pleasure.....

BIG BROTHER!

What? Don't look at me like that. Chances are you like it, too. Even if your a closet fan.

Let the madness begin with Big Brother 13!

Meet the House Guests:

The Newbies: Adam, Cassi, Dominic, Kalia, Keith, Lawon, Prosche, & Shelly

One of the twists is that House Guests are paired up in teams. Right after that was announced another twist, former House Guests returning.

Returning House Guest Teams: Brendan/Rachel, Jeff/Jordan, and Evel Dick/Daniele

OH MY GOD! I know!

I was so shocked by the return of these guests I didn't pay much attention to the Newbies.

Adam: What do you make of a over grown motorcycle looking dude in touch with his feminine side? He could be an interesting character.

Cassi: Not sure what to make of the relocated Tx gal. She could be a dark horse type. We didn't learn much about her from tonight.

Dominic: A Mama's  Boy in the house y'all! I hope he's got a hidden back bone or something. He's gonna need it.

Kalia: Did she say she was a Blogger and compare herself to Carrie Bradshaw? Interesting. I think she's got more than she's showing. I think I like her.

Keith: I just don't know what to make of him. I think he said he was a minister or something and he doesn't talk like any minister I ever heard. He uses biblical quotations like pick up lines. This, turns me off him completely. Sorry, you just don't use the bible quotes for personal gain or to give yourself permission to be a player.

Lawon: The guy grates on me. He just does.  No reason I can pin point. We'll see. Maybe he'll surprise me. He describes himself as Handsomexy (gag me, please)

Porsche: Enter the blonde waitress. *sigh* Not sure bout her. She lasted the longest in the HOH competition of the newbies. Though she appears like a wind could knock her over, she may be made of tougher stuff.

Shelly: The "Mom" character. She looks like she deals more crap than she takes. 

The Newbie Pairs: Dominic/Adam, Kalia/Lawon, Cassi/Shelly, & Porsche/Keith

Kalia and Lawon basically got paired cause they weren't picked by the others. Kalia didn't look thrilled. Can't blame her, I wouldn't have been thrilled either.

The HOH competition had the pairs hanging on giant bananas being sprayed with chocolate sauce and whip cream. Who comes up with these ideas? Anyways, it didn't take long for the newbies to start dropping like flies. In the end, it was Rachel left on her and Brendan's banana and Dick and Danielle on theirs. Began the talk of deal making. Rachel swearing that Dick/Danielle will be safe if they drop. Dick drops. Danielle makes double checks she's safe. Then she drops.

Rachel wins first HOH of the season. This makes her partner Brendan safe for the week. Another twist, teams are voted together for eviction. the one who eludes eviction wins The Golden Key!

the Golden Key....OOOOOhhhhh The last twist of the premiere. The holder of the Golden Key cannot be elected for eviction. Nor will they compete in the HOH competitions. But they will vote for eviction. This will last til there are 10 House Guests left.

The Newbies better step it up. So far the returning House Guests are schooling them. One of the house guest said something about any preconceived notations they had are now gone. Say What? This is BB13! House Guests should really know better, that is all. 

Final Thoughts: 

I am very intrigued by teams and The Golden Key. The Golden Key seems only fair to the team member not evicted. Rachel may be annoying but she and Brendan are a strong team. Jeff/Jordan, love them. How can you not? They're just so cute together. Dick/Danielle, definitely gonna be some drama going on. That is if we believe they haven't talked to each other in 3 years. That could be strategy. 

So, there you have it. My recap, such as it is. I saw it in bits and pieces as I was monitoring kids bath time. 

Writer's Workshop ~ 10+ Shows That I Miss

Linking up with Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop.

This week the prompts are:

1.) A list of 10 old TV shows you’d like to make a comeback.
2.) A post your mom would write if your mom wrote posts.
3.) Do you love it or hate it? An open letter to your child’s latest obsession.
4.) We just celebrated America’s Independence! Write a poem about what freedom means to you.
5.) It’s hot, the kids are home and crazy, our pets are panting, the days are long…share your number one Summer Survival Tip.
6.) Milkshakes, smoothies, margaritas and more…create a video showing how to make your favorite frozen drink.

Now I'm not gonna get fancy or anything. Sorry, I'm just not. I usually frown on remakes. But some of the crap that is on TV these days is just ridiculous. 

So without further ado and in no particular order:

TV Shows I'd Like to See Make A Comeback:

1) Dallas

I remember my Grandma Baker watching this show. Generally she fell asleep and if you tried to change the channel or turn off the TV she'd say she was just resting her eyes. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that those "Real" Housewives shows got their ides from this show. I mean, really. Think about it.

2) He Man/She - Ra

Say what you will but these were good kids cartoon. It even highlighted morals of all things. Morals = Something a lot of kids today are sorely lacking in. Thank God for Netflix streaming cause you can watch it there. My kids, love them.

3) Popples/Wuzzles

I just remember these cartoons as being fun. So many cartoons these days are just stupid and pointless. Not to mention a lot are inappropriate for the target audience.

4) Saved By The Bell

Fun! Had a little of everything. The hot guys didn't hurt this show either. Later version of this show (College Years, ok(ish). They even had TV movie specials, if I remember right.

5) Full House or most any TGIF shows

Not many truly family shows. Especially in prime time.

6) Green Acres

I used to watch this with my daddy and I loved it. It's a good clean fun, and funny show.

7) All in the Family/Get Smart

Maybe not a family show but I watched it w/my daddy and I turned out ok. Plus, it was just plain funny. Like any other show it had it's episodes that weren't so funny. But still, all in all, a real good show.

If All in the Family wasn't your cup of tea hopefully Get Smart was. Just stupid funny really, but still funny. Watched this one with my daddy, too.

8) I Love Lucy

Does this one need any splainations, I mean explanations? Funny, classy, and family friendly.

9) Out of This World

I loved this show. I mean, who doesn't want magical powers? 

10) Charles in Charge

*sigh* This was the show I almost never ever missed. Of course, maybe the only reason I watched was for Scott Baio but still...

***BONUS***

Touch By An Angel or Little House On The Prairie

Maybe Touched By An Angel was not for everyone but I surely liked it. Plus,  both sent a good message. 

There ya have it. My Top Ten with a couple bonuses. If you don't know or recall some of these shows I suggest you look them up. (Maybe with google)

What shows do you wish would come back?

Give A Girl A Camera

On Monday, July 4, 2011 I allowed Bridgette to take some pictures with my camera. She asked so nicely, how could I deny her? Below are the pictures she took.

Meggie

my iPad and our fav game

Roary Sean's tiger posing w/iPad. Maybe he'd like to take on Angry Birds?

She found her theme Angry Birds Seasons

And regular Angry Birds makes an appearance

Either my iPad is really dirty or my camera lens is

Obsessed? Absolutely!

Linking up with the fabulous trio behind Vlog Talk Elena from Mommy Is In Timeout, Jessica from My Time As Mom, & Kate from Mommy Monologues.


The Prompts:

1.) What are you obsessed with right now? (Submitted by Beautiful Spit Up)

2.) Your spouse’s pet peeve (Submitted by Mama’s Monologues)

3.) A tribute to your blogging idol (Submitted by Multitasking Mumma)

Prompt 1: What am I obsessed with right now? Besides Vlog Talk? I mean, that's a given, no? Oh and NASCAR! But there's some things some might not guess at. ;) We'll just skip the obvious things I love and tend to get obsessive about.

Okay, so I have 2 things that I'm totally obsessed with right now. Furthermore, I see no time in the future where this will not be so. Also. I have no idea what was up with all the lip smacking type sounds. Enjoy!

Hope you enjoyed it. I know I'm enjoying Vlogging now that I'm gettting into the swing of things! I even managed to do a fairly entertaining non Vlog Talk day Vlog. If you missed it or just wanna relive it click here, there's even a bloopers video. Even the hubs commented on that Vlog saying it was pretty good and seemed shocked I did it all on his lap top. LOL! (We won't talk about the 1st attempt at promptless vlogging.)





I googled Netflix Official Image to get the image. Found here.Found iTunes image here.

For Grandma B

Please excuse if this comes out in a raw rambling mess.

I was so sad to hear that you had passed. You were loved and you will be missed. I know that you surely must be with the Lord looking down and watching over us. There are many happy memories we can all share. Those are the memories that stick. The rest, while not forgotten, won't shine as bright as the loving memories I have.

I started immediately thinking about all the wasted years.The circumstances that caused us to be apart. No one person shares the blame. For there's surely enough to go around. The blame game is not a road that anyone should travel. I know, I've been a traveler of that road. Instead, I will hold to those memories that are emblazoned on my brain. The many happy, crazy, bustling of family at get togethers for this reason or that.

Memories Like:

The summer we spent a few weeks or so together traveling, seeing the sights.

At your lake house playing cards. Learning how to clean a fish we caught. (It's amazing I still eat fish.
Especially since it was you I was with that time I got a hook in my hand.).

Your dog, Shotsie (probably misspelled that) and being chased around the house when I wore colored socks.

Helping to walk the dogs and talking nonsense or not, on that afore mentioned summer.

The way if one of us cousins messed up, you called us all. Just to be sure you got the right one.

Those are just a sampling of memories I recall.

Even though it may seem as if I had completely forgotten you and written you off, I never completely did. You see, you were never far from my thoughts. You were in my prayers daily. If I could take back al the time wasted, I would. It's no excuse, the fact that I shut lots of people who loved me out because I had not the effort to put forth at the time. While few may understand this and even fewer forgive this, it was a necessary evil for me to shut down. I'm sorry. I may forever regret that. Right now, that is the rawest emotion I feel at your loss. I know that soon, that will be replaced by the loving memories.

Surely from your perch high in the heavens you can now see how it all played out. Know that you were never far from my heart. I am sorry that we never truly got to be together. That you missed out on my 3 wonderful children, your great grand children. That I missed out on seeing your joy with them. They all have a little piece of each family member who created me in them, I'm sure of it. Some traits, well some may be more apparent than others. I know that all that made me is in them. A part of them.

I look at my wedding ring. Not the one my husband put on my finger but the one my Daddy gave to my Mom. My Mom, your daughter. I remember clearly the day Daddy gave it to me. It fit like it was always meant for me. The ring is a shining example of family connections. A reminder that though we may be far a part, we are still connected. That family bonds are always strong. Even if we don't always realize this to be true.

May your memory and our love forever shine bright!