Brush Away the Dust and Cobwebs

So, it's been ages and ages since I've posted anything. I just didn't feel compelled to. Lots going on and didn't have the time, or make the time, or have the want to post.

So, since last I posted I've been up to the following:

Participated in our church's Christmas Musical. WHOA! Big step out of box for me. Like major HUGE step. Some drama with it, as with any production, I guess. Had a blast! Really did.

Learning to make my own clothes detergent and bath soak/salt. Trying to sell it locally. I have like 3 customers. I'm ok with that. For now. I shared the uber secret recipe (NOT!) with my cousin. Her Moms group made spring cleaning service project for a local women's shelter. From what I hear they made a ton of detergent and had fun doing it. I've noticed that my clothes look and feel better. Also that my kids, especially the youngest, are itching less. BFF's son is obsessed with not running out and makes sure his Mama knows it. Source of infinite humor for us.

Pissing off family of the in-laws variety which finally resulted in us moving to our very own place! YAY!! It was a big huge kerfuffle and I won't go into details on what all went down. Suffice it to say that those that know me personally know exactly everything. The result is family that has nada to do with me and gives me the cold shoulder. Fine with that. It may change someday or it may not. I said my I'm sorrys and the ball is in their court.

Settling into to our new castle and all that fun stuff. I so forgot what it was like to have space of my own. New town, new schools, renewed life. All 3 of my kids will be in 3 different schools. YIKES! Elementary, Intermediate, and Jr High. My son is positively freaking out about Jr High. I keep talking with him about how not to borrow trouble and he'll only know what it's like when he starts school. He's handling the change fairly well. Maybe because he would've been switching schools anyway. We still have roller coaster mood days but we're better able to handle it as not so many are involved in the parenting of my kids. Lot to be said for living Full House style but I much prefer only Hubby and I being involved in our kids parenting w/o any undermining of any sort. That's something that Full House doesn't show ya. Maybe it works for some people, but I am thinking for most it doesn't.

Putting things into motion to go back to school. College that is. SCARY! I know I can do this and I have a awesome BFF who is 2 years into her back to school experience. She was instrumental in tutoring me in math. That whole skills test thingamajig you have to take to see if you need remedial classes, I pulled Math 2 thanks to her. So yes, I need remedial math, but I don't have to start at the very bottom. Thank You BFF! I'm going for teaching and maybe a side of business so I can be helpful to my Hubby.

Pissing off more relatives. Of step family variety. (Her Mom was married to my Daddy til she passed away in 2002). This one is actually stupider than the first one. I merely posted a Snopes link on Facebook saying that okra water isn't in fact a cure all for diabetes on my sister's photo link she shared. This got me called a know it all. I could've and should've ignored it. I instead said that I was trying to be helpful and fact check so people would know. That got a whatever comment. Feeling snarky I posted a link to the urban dictionary's definition of whatever. I also said, bless your heart. And just like that that person deleted their comments. I kinda giggled and left my comments. I mean, why delete them? It looks suspicious when you do that. Later my step sister's SO posted the same know it all comment. I told her bless her heart, too. I probably should've said nothing. Snarky mood and all, I guess. Then she went above and beyond and managed to somehow make it about my past. How I tell lies about the past, how I think my shit doesn't stink, that I am a homophobe, ugliness about my Hubby, and that I never should've been let out of the psych ward. I then posted 2 or 3 Bible versus about how we should speak and not judging. Yes, she said all that and more just because I shared a link. Not days earlier my sister was thankful I shared a Snopes link saying that instant noodles were not in fact covered with cancer causing wax. She then proceeded to demand I get blocked by said sister. This person then signed into said sister's account to block me. I know if someone made that decision for me, I would be so pissed. Didn't even get a chance to talk to or with sister. The only contact we have is on Facebook anyway. Sometimes we see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I cannot tell you how many times I've been friended, unfriended, and blocked by this set. It usually doesn't get to me. This time it did. It hurt and it pissed me off. I know it probably shouldn't have. I get where that comes from.

I'll still stay nice to those who hurt me when I see them and pray for them. Pretty much all I can do. I'll try not to flip out about how fast my kids are growing up and being nervous about starting back to school myself. Contemplating participating in our church musical again even though I am going back to school. I think it helps keep my focus on the meaning of life and forces me to share with others, even if all I do is invite them to the program. One step at a time, right?

Anyways, that's pretty much it. Hopefully I won't be a stranger any longer here.

Rough Seas, Boat Still Afloat

Sean came home this past Monday. He had been doing well in the hospital. Meds were adjusted/changed. Had a splendid hour off the unit. We asked if he could come home on Monday so that the transition back to regular school might go smoother.

I'd really like to say that all is smooth and lovely but it's not. I'm sure that would not be the answer anyone with any sense would expect me to say. Unless, of course, I didn't want to talk about it or anything. It's been rocky to say the least.

Last night looked like it could go off the charts ballistic. It didn't help that I was already not handling my frustration of the day well at all. By the time the kids got into the truck from the parent pick up line I was on the border of crazy. Add 3 kids instantly all whining about this or that and it was going downhill fast. I got home and put myself in time out. Sean had lost a school library book and it was stolen by his sister. Forget trying to talk him out of that. He was adament Meg took it. Meg screehing her innocence. Bridge upset that how dare Meg get her box of chocolate for the school fundraiser and I should have known it was her permission slip not Meg's. Forget the fact that getting another slip would be easy. UGH! After the trip home and the ages long episode of insanity in the kitchen, I yelled "I'm going to time out!"

Brilliant example. Of how not to act. Got that all settled and worked out and then came dinner. HOLY COW what a mess that was becoming. I couldn't wait for it to be over and kids in bed. Which thank the good Lord went blissfully smooth without incident. While I might not have been on my game after school, dinner was much better. Hubs was there to back me up and even though he too was clearly grouchy we got it done.

I think Sean's meds are right or at least close to it. He seems less agitated and I guess more focused. But really, the focus thing is something they'd notice at school. So far so good. I do worry a bit about it seems he is more fidgety than usual but that he can sit in a spot for a bit and pays attention when you talk. Also, worried about this new thing the hospital mentioned that Sean was showing signs of fitting into, PDD or Pervasive Developmental Disorder. Not sure what that all is but we are finding out about it. Basically, it's Sean is physically 10 but in someways he's more like 5 or younger.

The best thing seems to be that so far we are a team around here. We all understand that it's not going to roses every day and that some days the ones that handle it the best are going to falter and need extra back up and maybe even understanding. Hubs had already been in touch with the school about setting up an ARD Meeting to discuss a better plan for this based on our new knowledge and concerns. That's usually something I would think to do. But before the dust could settle on getting him home, Hubs had put that into action. Not something he would normally do. I think even BIL is understanding that he has a role to play here, too. The role of involved Uncle. He sat down Tues evening and helped Sean and Bridge play Battleship with the special deck of cards. He sat there in the living room floor for over 30 minutes. It was awesome and made my day. I bragged about it to Hubs, a friend, and Mom. I hope BIL continues to do those sorts of things. Later that same evening we (Hubs, me, kids) played Uno Attack. A SUPER BIG HIT! Even Hubs enjoyed the several rounds we played and he was the one to say it was a hit!

Maybe last night was about each individuals frustrations and then the being told no friends houses and no games tonight. I was fixing dinner and cleaning up the kitchen floor (MIL used a spray cleaner on the floor that was too soapy and Daisy is in heat soo....) for the millionth time. The friends house thing is something that scares the shit out of me. The girls have friends they want to play with but who don't ask to if they can play or if they can play here. Sean has few friends and really doesn't handle social things well. Plus, all these kids get to play violent video games and we have done away with those. Our failed experiment of seeing if those could be an outlet. Yes, I know all the lectures on that. No, not every kid is the same. Blah blah blah... Moving forward. I worry that he can't say no or that he does and then a fight happens. Ya know?

All in all, we are still finding our way. Really no different than any other family. We just have a few extra things we struggle with. I still know we are okay. We are still a family and we all love each other even if we are made as hornets at each other. I know we are not going to let it keep us down or define us. Our sea may be rocky but our boat is still afloat.

My Story

So when you do not know where to start it's best to start at the beginning. The very beginning. This is my story. The story of how I know God exists and kept me alive. It may read like a crazy mess but I assure the timeline is accurate to the best of my knowledge. It is not pretty. But once I started to type, it just flowed. Along with the tears. But the more I am able to share the less hold the past has on me. I am still healing from all it. It may never be a long forgotten memory but maybe just maybe someday I can tell it without my eyes being clouded with tears. Or the fear of remembering that girl who was so lost for so long and only wanted a Mom.

I was born in March of 1978. To two loving parents who had been through a lot themselves. The past, it affects us all and all those around us. I believe based on what I have been told from various sources that my Mom had more than just depression problems. Back in '78 they did not know much about any of it. Not compared to what we know now. Maybe Mom had some of her own demons she couldn't shake. I don't know. But I do know she did have what we now call Postpartum Depression. Did they call it that then? I don't know. So, Daddy hired a nurse to help her out and me. Some months later she convinced everyone she was fine. This after 2 previous attempts to take her life. Daddy had no idea that all was not as it seemed. So, he let the nurse go. Not long there after he came home from his graveyard shift to find her dead by her on hand in the garage with carbon monoxide and me in my crib. I am unsure if someone called him from work of if he just came home when his shift was over. He told me that every door between the garage and my room was shut. To some they wouldn't see what I now see. That was her last thought. Protect me. I believe that an angel whispered to her and she shut my door and all other doors she could. I could've died that day. But I didn't.

I say that was God looking over me and knowing my path and how important it would be. So there I was a tiny baby with no mother and a Daddy who all the sudden was my one and only. Oh he had plenty of support. There was some ugliness and I don't really feel I can go into that. Let's just leave it at some people decided to play the blame game. Daddy needed more support to defeat that than I think he really got. He became a drunk. Never did he once abuse me. I was always safe and taken care of. But I recall several times it seemed like he was in a bad way. Even as a kid I knew he was deeply troubled but I couldn't help him. With God we made it through. Daddy didn't go to church but I did. I believe God is always watching and helping us, even when we do not realize it.

Daddy had been married, I believe they were married, to my Mom's little sister, my Aunt. They split when I was about 8, I believe. I remember it always seemed volatile and I never knew why. I was in the middle and words from all sides were being slung around. It was an ugly violent time. Daddy drank more and more. He would sometimes throw things around and break them. I never once was scared that would be turned on me. I somehow sensed I was protected.

When I was about 10 Daddy married Step Mom 2. She seemed for all the world like a God send. Little did either of us know she couldn't live up to that at all. Not a year after they were married she started to subtly take pot shots with words at me. Always criticizing this or that. Hardly ever nice words. Slowly splitting me and Daddy from each other and making her kids more important. By Jr High she was saying things like, "I hope someday you turn out just like your Mom."  I was so dumbfounded. I had no idea what to say or do. A few times she even slapped me and I found myself literally thanking her for doing so. It's crazy to me that I did so. Then she played her ultimate hand. She convinced my Daddy I was sick like my Mom had been. Slowly things I owned would disappear or be moved and I'd look crazy cause I couldn't find it. She made it seem like I was depressed and that I was going to kill myself. She hid knives in my in my bed and no dose in my backpack. She convinced a psychiatrist I was nuts and slept walked. So I ended up on some strong sleep medicine. I spent a week in a mental hospital before they sent me home. Saying I was fine. That was not enough for her. We would have arguments that I never won. I was isolated and being told how stupid I was. How useless I was. That someday I'd have rotten ungrateful brats just like me. Eventually she convinced Daddy I had to be sent away. So I was sent to our pastor's house.

I was not their a month before he started working on me to groom me for his intended needs. He made sure I knew that if I ever said anything he'd have no trouble convincing people I was crazy and a liar. So at 14 I allowed him to touch me. I did not know what else to do. I just had no fight left in me whatsoever. So in turn for "behaving" I got to watch things like 90210 and make calls to my friends back home. The friends I was not allowed to say goodbye to. He only ever touched me all over and said nasty things. Sometimes if I forgot to lock the bathroom door he'd come in and watch. His wife worked nights so it was easy for him to get away with it. By the summer of that year I had been allowed back home. Only to be sent to a children's home at the start of the next school year.

There I found a little more of me. I had people willing to help me and that saw what was going on. But Step Mom 2 still managed to take jabs at me. I would say "Hey I got a 100 on a really hard essay test!" She'd say, "You were always good at school but a rotten child at home." That summer I got to go on a trip to Arkansas with a group from the home. The next summer I got to go to Washington DC. Step Mom 2 made sure to let me know how unfair it was that I was going. "What about your sister? What if your Dad gets sick?" I was smart enough by now to just say nothing. But I went and talked with my cottage parents and my case worker. They helped me understand what she was about. They slowly gave me my voice back. I didn't tell any of the adults about the pastor. But a few of the close friends I had made I told. That got me to seeing that I was not at fault.

By the time I left the children's home, at Daddy's request, I felt like I could and would survive whatever came next. What came next was more ugliness. More insults. During one argument I actually told Step Mom 2 what happened to me and she promptly told me it was what I deserved for being a rotten child. And to never tell my Daddy cause he didn't need to know. She yelled at me more. Called me stupid, a lot more. Told me every chance she got how rotten I was. I did all she ever asked of me. I rarely fought back.

I don't know how I made it through all that. It's for sure I didn't have even a basic faith anymore. Though I did often bawl and talk to God. I guess they were sort of prayers. And understanding that this was happening for a reason and when would it be over. I was forced at 16 to move out of my Daddy's house and in with an older step sister. It was ok but not ideal.

I soon found myself living at a friends house but that soon was over. By the time I was 17 I ended up living with my husband's family. Oh, neither of us knew it would get more serious. I was just a girlfriend who had been kicked out of her home. They took me in. That was my first taste of what family is all about. I start going to their church but it never felt right. Soon, I stopped doing even that. After we were married. I just didn't hear or feel God there. Not to say he wasn't there. I just knew I didn't belong.

Years past. In 2001 Sean was born. I was filled with dread. I just knew that I would die but the time he was a handful of moths old. I did not go out of my way at that time to be close to him. I remember once turning on a street into oncoming traffic and later wondering why I didn't die. Sean was 3 months old. Not anyone did anything or seemed to notice something was off. Of course, I didn't tell them about the oncoming traffic incident. I was basically waiting to die. I had also learned early on that whatever I felt had to be buried and never spoken of or people would hurt me. So I suffered in silence. Sean was a difficult baby and I was so over it. I was once again convinced to go back to church. At least for his sake. So, I did. Same religion, different church. I still did not feel God's presence. All I could think of from the moment I sat down was when is it time to go? It didn't matter if I went with what I thought was an open mind/heart. So eventually, we stopped going.

I prayed occasionally. But we never went back to church regularly til after Meghan was born. I allowed both Bridge and Sean to be baptized to please the family. I figured it made them happy and as long as I wasn't having to bring them up Catholic, I was fine. Meg was about 2 1/2 to 3 when we started coming to Reece Prairie. It wasn't long, a matter of weeks, before I felt we belonged. That at last I was hearing God. My life changed that day. Oh I was baptized at 12 by the pastor who would later abuse me. I had accepted Christ. I reaccepted Him again when I was in High School and cried rivers cause finally I felt His presence. It gave me strength to keep moving forward. Keep going a voice told me. So I did. Maybe I didn't always listen and obey but I kept going. Suddenly all of it was making sense to me. I was like, I am blessed. I am loved. God has been watching over me and protecting me my whole life. Like the poem says, sometimes He even carried me.

I may not be very strong in my Faith. I may be a lot like a new believer. But I know that without God guiding me even when I did not know it that I would not be here. I could have died so many times but it was not His plan. I look back on all those years and know that I am tough. So now that I am a Mom to a Bipolar/ADHD/ODD child, I know that I can handle it. I can help Sean. We can go to church and I hope someday he and all my kids hear His voice and know what I know. That we are not nor have we ever been alone. That is the greatest knowledge ever. There is something greater than us. All we have to do is acknowledge that. If there was not a God, I do not see how I would have survived all that.  That is what I tell people who ask me why I believe. That looking back I can see where God was even when I knew Him not. Even when I doubted Him. He was always there patiently waiting for me to hear.

For those wondering, my Daddy now knows a good portion of this story. I do not know if he knows of the sexual abuse. I have never told him. I also know that as Step Mom 2 was close to dying she told him she was sorry for the way she treated me. She may have gone into detail, but Daddy was not clear on that point. Thanks to Step Mom 3, Daddy finally did brave sitting down with me and telling me of the night my Mom died. That is how I know those doors were shut. She also miscarried a baby before me. A sister. I also know she told Daddy that she did not want babies. Not that she couldn't have them but that she did not want any. I don't know a lot about my Mom or about her life as a child. I am sometimes compared to her in some way or other but that's all I hear. I keep waiting for someone to tell me something more. Even if the truth is ugly. I have not been brave enough to bother anyone with asking. I hope someday I can.

I Will Not Be Defeated

I had planned to work on the next topic of The List. But all I can think about is sharing my story.

It started last Sunday in my Bible Study class and has not let loose. We were asked to share our story of our journey and belief in Christ. It may not have been worded exactly like that but that's what it is. Basically our testimony. It is not something we were told we had to do. That would really defeat the purpose.

Now, I'm rather new to accepting, is that the right word?, my faith and living it. After all I have been through it's easy to see how I lost my way. Lucky for me God never gives up on us. We each have our journey and our testimony. My story is not completely known by many I go to church with. This is not the church I attended all those years ago. I've only been attending this church for maybe 2 yrs. I feel this is where I belong. But anyways, on to my dilemma. I find am finding it hard to put into words my testimony, as it were.

I know, crazy, right? I mean I have outlined most of it here on my blog. Why then do I find writing something for my Bible Study Class and Church so hard? Is it because I am scared of their reactions? The fact that I sort of know them? I have told all in sundry via this blog my story. My BFF has known since forever or at lest the day we knew we were more than just friends. Few of my family members know. So why? Surely it would help someone. It is the reason I believe there is a God. In a world like we live in today that is saying a lot. Or at least I think so.

I have prayed for the right words to come. Days later I am still staring at a blank page with tear drops on it. Tears that signify how I still vividly recall those days. Those feelings. The utter fear that my life was doomed and I might as well have died with my Mom in 1978. The loneliness. And yet, hope and knowledge it did not stay that way and never will. That is something to grasp.

I cannot let this defeat me. I must find a way to tell my complete story with out getting the point lost. It's not like I have not told anyone ever.

Maybe I am struggling with it being called my testimony. To me, a testimony is something that a person very strong in their faith and wanting to share it does. That person, is not me. For all intents and purposes I am like a new believer. I was raised in church then walked away from it and God for years. Yet looking back I can see where He was always watching over me and protecting me, even from myself.

I am sure this reads like a hot mess. That's the way I feel all my thoughts on this are. A hot mess. But my story needs to be told. I feel compelled to keep sharing it and keep telling it to any and all that will listen. Sharing it has never been easy. Does it ever get easier? I don't know. The pain of the memories is nearly consuming me. Maybe because some in my life choose to forget it ever happened. Wonder why I say such awful things about people. Maybe my fear is Satan, yes I do believe he influences whether we know it or not, is trying to make me stop.

Whatever it is, I know I must do this. I will not be defeated. So, any positive thoughts or prayers from any or all of my readers would be nice.

30 Topics ~ Learning to Trust

~ The List ~ 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I am not sure I know exactly how to answer this one. I have had a few real tough experiences. I guess based on my life I'd have to say that the hardest thing I've experienced is learning how to depend on me. That morphed into learning to trust others. 

I don't know if that's exactly what was expected of this topic but it's what I'm writing from my soul. I've survived a mother who committed suicide, an alcoholic father (he's not now), a family at odds, mental/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, losing my self and nearly succumbing to that darkness, and to being a parent of a difficult child. It was all horrible. To say one was harder than another would be nearly impossible.

With such a difficult life from early on I grew up fast. I had to. It caused me to lock a lot of people out. I laid some nights in bed and just bawled. Praying that I would make it through. Wondering why, yes but still knowing it was for a reason. Maybe it didn't all go down like it was supposed to. But life is random. It's all a series of choices. Based on my early experiences, I just learned to close out everyone. I didn't have it in me to allow another to hurt me. To give them that chance. I made some reckless choices, by my standard, after my sexual abuse. Some took advantage. Most people were not willing to tough it out to get to know me. Those that did have never regretted it. Those that did helped me get back to me. Showed me that there were people worth trusting. Little by little those people taught me to trust. To trust them with my heart, my life, my secrets. 

Seems silly to say trust them with my secrets. But when you tell an adult that you still mistakenly believes loves you at least a little, that you have been sexually abused by the pastor of your church and they laugh in your face telling you it was what you deserved because you were an awful child. You pretty much learn to stop talking. To anyone. You do not talk about anything important. Sometimes, you don't even talk about the unimportant things. When that happens you are a shell of you. You are fake and people tend to think you're a bitch or stuck up. 

Learning to trust again was painfully slow. My best friend never really let go. Even though she did think I was a stuck up bitch. I couldn't even tell you when she became like a sister to me and knew all there was to know about me. It just happened. 

When I met Hubs, we just clicked. I trusted him to take care of me and know all my secrets. He didn't run screaming in horror. He kept holding on. Nights I'd wake screaming, he'd just hold me a little closer and not push me to talk about it. It was maybe a year or two after being married that I felt the past loosing it's grip on me. I wasn't gonna let it define me. I was still alive and I had a family who cared about me. So what if it was only in laws. They were there. 

Now, 15+ years later I have not only gotten back to me, I've learned trust people. To let people in. It's a damn good thing, too. After 3 pregnancies, each with their own issues, and Sean's mood and behavior issues, I cannot imagine getting through it without being able to trust anyone. 

30 Topics ~ You In The Corner, Let's Talk

~ The List ~ 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 



So, continuing on. Guess I'm just gonna do the list in order. I like it. It follows the K.I.S.S. rule. (Keep It Simple Silly). That means today I am on #4.

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

It is a fact of life that growing older means you get a little wiser. Well, for most of us that is true. Few exceptions that prove the rule are bound to be around. Looking back on the time around 16 there is so much we think it important that really is nothing. And to us now, it is. To us then, it was. I didn't have anyone telling me at 16 that life would not always be this way. That this boy or that group not liking you wouldn't matter. And so many other things good parents or care givers tell the younger ones. 


That said, these are the things I would tell my 16 year old self.


1.  First and foremost I would hug my 16 year old self and tell her it was not in any way her fault that Mom died. It was tragic sickness and sadly, so many die before causes/cures are found.


2. I would tell her that she is correct. We don't know the reason behind suffering but God has a plan and this is a part of it. Keep the faith that He is guiding your ship and all will be well.


3. For the love of God get a math tutor. Maybe a cute one. So that math does not stress you out. No, you won't really be using much geometry or algebra but it's a necessary evil to get out of High School. Also, pay attention to all things computer.


4. The boys who don't like you now will wish that had taken the time to know you. Now you are able to get your hair dyed, wax your eyebrows, and wax your lip. Yes, waxing hurts but you do it for you. No one who sees the real you sees any of your flaws.  


5. Those that tease you for not being in their "class" as far as what they own and the nice clothes. They do not know better and they will probably learn when they have kids that words do hurt. Even though you say they don't, they do. Focus on your real friends. Those goofy people who shouldn't make a group but some how do.


6. Speaking of friends, you'd be shocked how many friends you don't have once you leave HS. You find your way back to a few of them. Are even still best friends with one of them still. God only knows why.


7. You'll get the hang of make up and hair. Hair is harder than make up. Just learn the basics and don't be afraid to ask for help.


8. No, you don't use that Spanish you thought would be so helpful. In fact, you will realize it isn't that kind of Spanish you need to know. Maybe you should make friends with a Latina. Oh, right, they're not called that popularly just yet. Find you a nice Mexican girl to help you learn Texaas Spanish. Trust me, it'll be a good thing to know rather than learn later.


9. It was real brave of you to try out for Mascot. You should trust yourself more and step out of your comfort zone once in awhile.


10. Don't give up on your dreams. Don't just settle. Go for what you want. Maybe rethink the whole no college thing. You're better than the lies people are telling you. You are not stupid. You are not worthless. You will mean the world to a handful of people before you know it.




That's pretty much it. What would you tell your 16 year old self?