I Will Not Be Defeated

I had planned to work on the next topic of The List. But all I can think about is sharing my story.

It started last Sunday in my Bible Study class and has not let loose. We were asked to share our story of our journey and belief in Christ. It may not have been worded exactly like that but that's what it is. Basically our testimony. It is not something we were told we had to do. That would really defeat the purpose.

Now, I'm rather new to accepting, is that the right word?, my faith and living it. After all I have been through it's easy to see how I lost my way. Lucky for me God never gives up on us. We each have our journey and our testimony. My story is not completely known by many I go to church with. This is not the church I attended all those years ago. I've only been attending this church for maybe 2 yrs. I feel this is where I belong. But anyways, on to my dilemma. I find am finding it hard to put into words my testimony, as it were.

I know, crazy, right? I mean I have outlined most of it here on my blog. Why then do I find writing something for my Bible Study Class and Church so hard? Is it because I am scared of their reactions? The fact that I sort of know them? I have told all in sundry via this blog my story. My BFF has known since forever or at lest the day we knew we were more than just friends. Few of my family members know. So why? Surely it would help someone. It is the reason I believe there is a God. In a world like we live in today that is saying a lot. Or at least I think so.

I have prayed for the right words to come. Days later I am still staring at a blank page with tear drops on it. Tears that signify how I still vividly recall those days. Those feelings. The utter fear that my life was doomed and I might as well have died with my Mom in 1978. The loneliness. And yet, hope and knowledge it did not stay that way and never will. That is something to grasp.

I cannot let this defeat me. I must find a way to tell my complete story with out getting the point lost. It's not like I have not told anyone ever.

Maybe I am struggling with it being called my testimony. To me, a testimony is something that a person very strong in their faith and wanting to share it does. That person, is not me. For all intents and purposes I am like a new believer. I was raised in church then walked away from it and God for years. Yet looking back I can see where He was always watching over me and protecting me, even from myself.

I am sure this reads like a hot mess. That's the way I feel all my thoughts on this are. A hot mess. But my story needs to be told. I feel compelled to keep sharing it and keep telling it to any and all that will listen. Sharing it has never been easy. Does it ever get easier? I don't know. The pain of the memories is nearly consuming me. Maybe because some in my life choose to forget it ever happened. Wonder why I say such awful things about people. Maybe my fear is Satan, yes I do believe he influences whether we know it or not, is trying to make me stop.

Whatever it is, I know I must do this. I will not be defeated. So, any positive thoughts or prayers from any or all of my readers would be nice.

30 Topics ~ You In The Corner, Let's Talk

~ The List ~ 

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for. 



So, continuing on. Guess I'm just gonna do the list in order. I like it. It follows the K.I.S.S. rule. (Keep It Simple Silly). That means today I am on #4.

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

It is a fact of life that growing older means you get a little wiser. Well, for most of us that is true. Few exceptions that prove the rule are bound to be around. Looking back on the time around 16 there is so much we think it important that really is nothing. And to us now, it is. To us then, it was. I didn't have anyone telling me at 16 that life would not always be this way. That this boy or that group not liking you wouldn't matter. And so many other things good parents or care givers tell the younger ones. 


That said, these are the things I would tell my 16 year old self.


1.  First and foremost I would hug my 16 year old self and tell her it was not in any way her fault that Mom died. It was tragic sickness and sadly, so many die before causes/cures are found.


2. I would tell her that she is correct. We don't know the reason behind suffering but God has a plan and this is a part of it. Keep the faith that He is guiding your ship and all will be well.


3. For the love of God get a math tutor. Maybe a cute one. So that math does not stress you out. No, you won't really be using much geometry or algebra but it's a necessary evil to get out of High School. Also, pay attention to all things computer.


4. The boys who don't like you now will wish that had taken the time to know you. Now you are able to get your hair dyed, wax your eyebrows, and wax your lip. Yes, waxing hurts but you do it for you. No one who sees the real you sees any of your flaws.  


5. Those that tease you for not being in their "class" as far as what they own and the nice clothes. They do not know better and they will probably learn when they have kids that words do hurt. Even though you say they don't, they do. Focus on your real friends. Those goofy people who shouldn't make a group but some how do.


6. Speaking of friends, you'd be shocked how many friends you don't have once you leave HS. You find your way back to a few of them. Are even still best friends with one of them still. God only knows why.


7. You'll get the hang of make up and hair. Hair is harder than make up. Just learn the basics and don't be afraid to ask for help.


8. No, you don't use that Spanish you thought would be so helpful. In fact, you will realize it isn't that kind of Spanish you need to know. Maybe you should make friends with a Latina. Oh, right, they're not called that popularly just yet. Find you a nice Mexican girl to help you learn Texaas Spanish. Trust me, it'll be a good thing to know rather than learn later.


9. It was real brave of you to try out for Mascot. You should trust yourself more and step out of your comfort zone once in awhile.


10. Don't give up on your dreams. Don't just settle. Go for what you want. Maybe rethink the whole no college thing. You're better than the lies people are telling you. You are not stupid. You are not worthless. You will mean the world to a handful of people before you know it.




That's pretty much it. What would you tell your 16 year old self?

Random Ponderings of My Mind

Ok so try to stick with me through this post. This could be my most random blog. Ever.

It's nearly March. For some that means March Madness. Me, not so much. In March I will turn 34. Yep. Just 34. It's hard to believe I once thought that 30 was ancient. So, today while driving around with Hubs I was doing some reflecting on this and that.

No matter how much the world around me has changed lots of things have stayed the same. Maybe that's why there's the phrase: The more things change the more they stay the same.

Like the Billy Bob's billboard advertising upcoming events. It looks out of place with the things around it but I love that it is still there. Even if I won't get to have a party of 6 to see Easton Corbin for an early birthday celebration. I still look at that billboard each and every time I happen to be in a vehicle passing it.

Like the fact that I married when I was 18 and am still married to the same man almost 16 years later. We still act like young fools occasionally. I just love to smile and nod at people who give us the "Aw Young Love" look. The shock on their faces when they ask how long we've been together is priceless. Who knew you could still hold hands and be silly with each other as an old married couple? I did. In fact, Hubs still puts his arm around me when he's driving. He even occasionally remembers to open the car door for me. Though I usually don't wait to see if he will. Nice to know he will and maybe even joke about it if I sit too long in the car.

Other things that crossed my mind go something like this...

My husband is a horrible tease sometimes. A few weeks ago he took me to Fry's and said what do you want. We were in the computer section. I forget what he was looking for but I told him I'd love a lap top. In particular, a MacBook. I love his and steal, I mean borrow, it whenever I can. We didn't get one that day though he came close. Today he decided to go to the Apple store and ask a few questions related to his business. He once again asked what I wanted. Told him a lap top would be awesome but I'll settle for an iPod nano. I kid you not that man said to me, "I'm sorry I didn't bring the cash bag." He was being serious. I guess I coulda gone all kid like on him and said something bout using plastic, but I didn't. Just called him a tease to his face loud enough for anyone around to hear.

Get back in the truck and he's all, "Want to go to the mall?" Me, Why? So I can look at more stuff you won't buy me?" This is where he finally admitted to being a tease and even apologized. I am still wondering if the end of the world is near.

At the mall my phone was practically yelling at me it's battery was critically low. Hubs was in near fits of laughter that I was still tweeting. Then forbid me to touch his phone. The phone he does not have twitter on since he doesn't get the twitter thing at all. He really hates when I download twitter app on his phone. I remove it when I'm done. I'm nice like that. He did buy me my very own phone car charger that can charge my iPad at the same time. So, no more dead phone. Ever. OR at least no excuses for not taking his calls. I did ogle a pair of Tiffany sunglasses that were like $500.00 just to scare hubs. It was grand. Even the sales clerk was cracking up.

Hubs then got a phone call from a business associate and proceeded to walk straight out of the mall. When the call was over he wanted to know what I wanted for lunch. This is where I pointed out he just walked out of the mall. He tried to say he followed me but had to tell him it was me following him. Where he again apologized for teasing me. Told him at least I got a phone charger for my car.

He really does get distracted sometimes. He always has. Nice to know that hasn't changed much.

So I'm turning 34 soon. So my life has given me a lot of ups and downs and other random craziness. Still, I'm me. Still married to a goofy guy that I love to bits and hold hands with like we were just dating or newly married.

Still trying to do this blogging thing. Which, turns out is rather random. Like me. I like that.

They Are Who They Are and It's Awesome!

Today I wanted to share a few pictures Bridgette has drawn recently. For a 7 year old and me being her Mama, I think they are quiet good. She captures emotions in some of them. In others I can tell she didn't quite get what she wanted but is proud of them anyway. 

 I found though, that I couldn't share just her pictures. I had to share howI love each of my kids and who they are. I love how they are all exactly happy to be who they are all the time. I hope they never ever lose that quality. 

Sean 10, He is all boy and don't we all know it! He loves his video games and his schedule to remain consistent. Lucky we are mostly able to do that for him. Even though you can never know what will cause a melt down even though you try to avoid it, I love that you always know what he is thinking/feeling. Which is probably why it's so easy for him to get picked on by others. Like this one kid who told a teacher Sean was writing inappropriate things in his diary. First of all, how would he know? That diary uses a special pen that needs a special light to read. The teacher took it from Sean and gave it to me in the p/u line and told me about it. I told Sean I do not care what he writes in his diary/journal. It's his personal space. Just for the love of God do not take it to school and give someone a chance to cause you trouble.

Bridge 7, She has definitely always been all girl and a tad dramatic. She's always known just what she wants and how to get it. She loves to draw. Thankfully she now is old enough to know that drawing is for paper not walls, sheets, sister, computers, etc.. She is all about the big picture and giant steps. When she was around 3 she'd as her Pop Pop (FIL) for money, nothing special all kids tend to do this at some point, but instead of asking for a dollar or so she'd say, "Pop Pop can you give me $50." I think she gets that from Nana (MIL).

Meg 5, Has a fashion sense all her own and amped up big sisters attitude to get her nick named Mega Drama. She is not afraid to wear a shirt dress w/tutut skirt over leggings/jeans and add another skirt under the tutu skirt of the dress. I love that sometimes her skirts over jeans/leggings has nothing to do with the outfit as a whole. Someday I am gonna have to get pictures of it. She is the baby and she knows it. But she is always in the moment and happy go lucky kinda gal, for the most part.

These are the pictures Bridgette has drawn recently that I wanted to share.

This one had Hubs wondering what the heck was going on with that line that shouldn't be there? Trust me, we all giggled over it but not around B. She taped this up on her wall so I know she likes it. Personally, I think that line one she started and didn't like the way it was going. So, she moved on as you cannot erase crayon.

This is one of my favs. That dog totally looks snooty/snobbish to me. Love that she wrote the name on the bowl.

No idea where she got the inspiration for this one. Cartoon maybe? I think she purposely left the dog unfinished. Cause he/she is all lonely attached to the dog house.

You gotta love the eye on this one. She kinda is saying "Is that what you are feeding me?!"