Random Ponderings of My Mind

Ok so try to stick with me through this post. This could be my most random blog. Ever.

It's nearly March. For some that means March Madness. Me, not so much. In March I will turn 34. Yep. Just 34. It's hard to believe I once thought that 30 was ancient. So, today while driving around with Hubs I was doing some reflecting on this and that.

No matter how much the world around me has changed lots of things have stayed the same. Maybe that's why there's the phrase: The more things change the more they stay the same.

Like the Billy Bob's billboard advertising upcoming events. It looks out of place with the things around it but I love that it is still there. Even if I won't get to have a party of 6 to see Easton Corbin for an early birthday celebration. I still look at that billboard each and every time I happen to be in a vehicle passing it.

Like the fact that I married when I was 18 and am still married to the same man almost 16 years later. We still act like young fools occasionally. I just love to smile and nod at people who give us the "Aw Young Love" look. The shock on their faces when they ask how long we've been together is priceless. Who knew you could still hold hands and be silly with each other as an old married couple? I did. In fact, Hubs still puts his arm around me when he's driving. He even occasionally remembers to open the car door for me. Though I usually don't wait to see if he will. Nice to know he will and maybe even joke about it if I sit too long in the car.

Other things that crossed my mind go something like this...

My husband is a horrible tease sometimes. A few weeks ago he took me to Fry's and said what do you want. We were in the computer section. I forget what he was looking for but I told him I'd love a lap top. In particular, a MacBook. I love his and steal, I mean borrow, it whenever I can. We didn't get one that day though he came close. Today he decided to go to the Apple store and ask a few questions related to his business. He once again asked what I wanted. Told him a lap top would be awesome but I'll settle for an iPod nano. I kid you not that man said to me, "I'm sorry I didn't bring the cash bag." He was being serious. I guess I coulda gone all kid like on him and said something bout using plastic, but I didn't. Just called him a tease to his face loud enough for anyone around to hear.

Get back in the truck and he's all, "Want to go to the mall?" Me, Why? So I can look at more stuff you won't buy me?" This is where he finally admitted to being a tease and even apologized. I am still wondering if the end of the world is near.

At the mall my phone was practically yelling at me it's battery was critically low. Hubs was in near fits of laughter that I was still tweeting. Then forbid me to touch his phone. The phone he does not have twitter on since he doesn't get the twitter thing at all. He really hates when I download twitter app on his phone. I remove it when I'm done. I'm nice like that. He did buy me my very own phone car charger that can charge my iPad at the same time. So, no more dead phone. Ever. OR at least no excuses for not taking his calls. I did ogle a pair of Tiffany sunglasses that were like $500.00 just to scare hubs. It was grand. Even the sales clerk was cracking up.

Hubs then got a phone call from a business associate and proceeded to walk straight out of the mall. When the call was over he wanted to know what I wanted for lunch. This is where I pointed out he just walked out of the mall. He tried to say he followed me but had to tell him it was me following him. Where he again apologized for teasing me. Told him at least I got a phone charger for my car.

He really does get distracted sometimes. He always has. Nice to know that hasn't changed much.

So I'm turning 34 soon. So my life has given me a lot of ups and downs and other random craziness. Still, I'm me. Still married to a goofy guy that I love to bits and hold hands with like we were just dating or newly married.

Still trying to do this blogging thing. Which, turns out is rather random. Like me. I like that.

Lost?

I have this issue with Sean and parenting. Specifically living with the in laws. I love my in laws, please do not get me wrong. They just have this wall when it comes to Sean. They do not agree or do not want to see how it is. Like I said, MIL for all the world talks like she wants us to stay living with them. But that is another post I have yet to explore.

Here's the thing, as you may or may not know, Sean is Bipolar/ODD/ADHD. Bipolar is a mood disorder. ODD is  Oppositional Defiance Disorder, though I sometimes mistakenly say Obsessive instead of Oppositional.  ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder. Those are serious things. All of them.

Me and Hubs have felt like ADHD is the lesser issue. Sean's new dr agrees. He believes that if we can get the other two under control that the ADHD med may be able to be lowered then dropped. That is a nice idea as the more meds Sean takes the more I worry about interactions and all that. The meds he takes are for the Bipolar and ADHD. Not sure there is anything but time and patience in dealing with ODD.

Now, let's go in depth with what is currently going on.

Sean has taken on that so called tween mantel of becoming more comfortable asserting himself but not always in an appropriate way. Mostly, it's a lot of talking back, arguing, and mouthing. Lately, I think it's gone over the top. This is where living with the in laws (at times like this I wish I could remember the term for it, and crazy might be it) complicates things. They have little to no understanding of any of it, or so I think. They truly think that we just are not tough enough parents and Sean walks all over us. They think that spanking is appropriate even though we don't.  Yet, Hubs is now back to thinking spanking is the end all be all of parenting. BUT this is not about spanking. Pardon me for getting off on that tangent.

This is about how to get Sean's attention and stop the over the top inappropriate behavior. I wish it was only the talking back, the smart mouthing, and the attitude issues.

For a better understanding let me give you the most recent incident that occurred at church this last Sunday.

Church let out. We were in the car discussing what we wanted for lunch. Sean interrupts and asks if Mr SoSo talked to us? I said, "No. Why would Mr SoSo need to talk to us?"

Sean, "I did something inappropriate and had to sit out of the game in gym."

Me, "I appreciate that you brought this up and didn't wait for someone else to mention it. What did you do?"

Sean, "I don't remember."

Me, "That's interesting. You remember getting in trouble for inappropriate behavior but you cannot remember what inappropriate behavior you got in trouble for?"

Sean, "I don't want to talk about it."

We let it go at that. We didn't actually need to know what he did to tell him that he knew better and that acting out is not gonna get him what he wants. We feel strongly Sean acted out cause he had to go to church with us instead of with Nana and Pop. Nana/Pop think it's cause he doesn't like our church. That could be. Me? I think it's cause Nana doesn't go to our church. So he acts up when he goes to our church in the hopes that he won't have to go again. For the most part to keep everything calm, he goes with Nana when they go. It may be a worthy note that we go to a Baptist church and Nana goes to a Catholic church. To us it doesn't really matter with whom or to which church he goes just that he goes. I don't necessarily agree or like attending Catholic church (I find myself tuned out and when is it over mind set and it's not good. I like our church and find myself participating. ) but I am not going to forbid Sean to go. But again, this is not about that. (Funny how you start one post that brings up other things, no?)

At dinner last night Bridge told us that Sean pulled on her in worship service. Before I could even address that, she was talking about  how he had to sit out in the gym. She wouldn't/couldn't say what it was he did but she showed me. I could happily have the floor swallow me up and if Mr SoSo brings this up I may be all kinds of red.

I cannot for the life of me explain it any better than this.

Imagine a gesture between the "F" me sign (or whatever any one calls it) and the using the schwartz from Spaceballs. That is what my son did in the gym at church during a game.

OK, here's where the what is it and how do we deal with it freak out comes in to play.

Yes, I expected to have to deal with this sort of thing sooner or later. I was rather hoping it'd be later. I have no idea how to address it. Apparently, neither does Hubs.

Yes, to some extent this is mostly an age thing.

BUT

I feel strongly Sean knows it's wrong and would not normally do such a vulgar thing BUT for the fact that he would rather go to church with Nana or not at all. Not at all is really not an option. Not debating it. Also, so not the first time he has gone out of his way to try to shock people with behavior or words.

This is where my vague understanding of ODD comes in. I sort of get Bipolar, it's basically a non stop mood roller coaster. ODD is more a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and or disruptive behavior towards any authority figure (paraphrased definition from Mayo Clinic). Awesome. It's an argument about everything. It's fit throwing just to get attention or get their way. It's a tween/teen on toddler tantrum amplified to infinity. It looks an awful lot like parents who have no control over their kid.

The basic way we've dealt with it is to ignore the tantrums. I've been know to flat walk away from it. Have Sean sit by himself away from others and refuse to talk/argue with him. When any of these behaviors start, he sits alone til he is calm and in control again. If you try to talk to him or handle it in the moment all you do is make it worse. You'd do better to talk to the wall. After everyone is calm and level, we talk. What went wrong? What could have been done differently? Did it get you what you wanted?

While all of it is maddening, the inappropriate behavior gets me to the core. It's embarrassing that he chooses to act that way and that he thinks it's worth the trouble to get to the end result of ultimately having his way and controlling all of us. And of course, he knows this. I wish I was better at controlling my reactions to such behaviors.

This would be a super awesome time to have in laws who are in agreement with Seans's disorders and treatment. It'd also be an great time to have a appropriate adult role model (like Hubs)  sit and talk with Sean about this. This borders on that boy stuff that I don't want to deal with because he has a dad and other appropriate males in his life that he'd probably rather talk with.

I get it's hard to talk to kids about these things. Heck, both Hubs and I grew up with very little understanding of it all because adults barely told you anything. Case in point, my grandma told me that if I went to the bathroom one day and saw blood not to panic. It was natural. That was all the info I got on periods. Hubs, was handed a book of STDs with photos and told not to have sex or this could happen.

So, how does one handle a mixed problem. The mixed problem of this may totally be an I am awesome exhibition and this will fix their case. I am in uncharted waters and I am lost. Worse, those around me seem to want to ignore it til another day. I got news for them, this could lead to much bigger problems if ignored or handled inappropriately. I really, truly think it could.

How Much?

I know I just tweeted this whole story. Then a light came on, rather late if you ask me, Blog It! So, here I go.

Lately, Sean seems to be all over the place lately. We have a new doctor, who we've only seen once, and are in the process of adjusting meds cautiously and evaluating where we are.

Where we are is in the middle of WTF is going on? Let's face it, yes I know sort of what is going on. But when it comes out of Nowheresville, which seems to be the norm with kids diagnosed as bipolar, it can make your head spin and smoke come out your ears. Sometimes you may lose your cool and forget to stay all calm and in control. That is what happened today.

I picked up the kids from school like I most always do. Sean immediately hops in front and B protests that he sat there yesterday. I calmly point out that B is right, he did sit there yesterday. Which immediately had him screaming mad. I ignored it and calmly said B could sit in front tomorrow and Friday. Which prompted more attitude and crying. I ignored it. Then, I asked, "Where's Meg?" So you know, I expect whoever sits in the back to walk with Meg to the car. Sean yells at me, "It's embarrassing to walk with Meg!" I say, "Maybe it can be sometimes but it is what I expect out of you and B as you are older." More attitude. Imagine that. Then, the coup d'etat, for lack of better term, a teacher comes to the car to tell Sean not to run again in the parking lot as it's dangerous and if he does so again he will have to walk back to the start and try again. This prompted a massive fit and more tears. Which only got worse when I told him he no longer had any privileges for the week due to this behavior. He then started thrashing about the car and banging on the dash. Yelling he hates it here and he wishes he were dead and on and on the tirade I've heard a zillion times goes. The only new facet, him telling me, "It's the medicine that makes me do this and I don't need the medicine!" Not any better is the fact that more and more lately Sean is getting more lippy with everything we say or ask of him. That, I think is probably just normal tween type stuff.

And there I was in the school parking lot waiting in line to exit the parking lot with him acting like that. Me? Near tears. People looking at us and pointing. That is the worst feeling. It angers me that people do that. Whatever happened to mind your own damn business? Yes, my 4th grader is throwing a hissy fit and screaming vile things the all in sundry can hear cause the windows are down cause my air does not work. How bout not making me feel like the worst Mom ever? Or how bout not labeling my kid a problem child? Or looking and pointing, OH that's the one you told me about? Cause for definite sure, your staring only makes it worse. Makes me feel worse. Makes him act worse cause hey he has an audience now. At the same time I have dialed the phone and given it to B, so I'm not in a school zone using the phone, to ask Hubs to meet us in the yard in case I needed help getting him out of the car.

It's really hard to know what is what sometimes. How much is kids stuff? How much is bipolar or ODD? How can I tell which it is? Or is it all of it? It's hard to know sometimes. Logically I know what some of this is and how to tell which it is. Just in the moment it gets all confused. It's all very much like a toddler not getting their way. Only Sean is 10. Where is he getting the notion the medicine is doing this? It's the same medicine he's been on for over a year with only a mild adjustment to help with sleep issues we've been having. He's still not sleeping well but now instead of up and roaming the house or doing goodness knows what, he's coming into our room at anytime from 1am to 3am to sleep in our floor. Which is ok(ish). This way I get sleep and am less anxious and on guard aka Sean watch at night instead of sleeping.

What gets me is for all the world I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. The in laws do not agree with his diagnosis of bipolar or ODD. FIL told me just last weekend that he thought the meds were too high in dosage and that him having to take it for the rest of his life was BS. What happened to agree to disagree? Of course he looks fine now. We are for the most part on an even keel with only the occasional outbursts or issues. They only know of the ugliness that was our roller coaster life with Sean way back when he was 6-8 years old from what we told them happened. They did not live it. Though, MIL has told me she had similar issues dealing with BIL. Hell, BIL still has his moments and he's 30 now. I keep thinking, apple...tree...ring a bell? Of course, I can't say that to her as it would be taken totally wrong. Sean has had 3 psychatrist, 2 independent testings, and 1 hospitalizations all concurring with one another that Sean has these problems.

And kinda not about this but involved is the fact that MIL for all the world acts and talks as if she would like us to stay living with them but in a bigger house. I'm mixed about this. It has pros and cons, of course. How can I continue to live with people who are not 100% behind me and Hubs on this Sean thing? I mean, once they bought in but it was convenient to make a problem go away, more or less. Now it seems they are back to questioning what we are deciding to do. Do they think deciding to get answers and help for Sean was an easy path? Or deciding that medication while scary and basically in trial phases in kids was a decision we made lightly? I don't even know how to discuss them with them logically cause they seemed tuned out to it. Personally, I think if they believe Sean has these issues and likely will forever then they have to also look at their youngest child and admit he could have it, too. But really, that's another story.

Right now, I know we are doing what we need to do. Days like this just reinforce it. But eventually, I feel that the in laws need to understand, too. Or at least go back to agree to disagree and give him his meds if and when we are not here in the evening.

I know I am not alone in living this. Getting this out there not only helps me vent and work it out it might help someone else or someone else might be able to help me. I feel better now that I got this out of my system.

They Are Who They Are and It's Awesome!

Today I wanted to share a few pictures Bridgette has drawn recently. For a 7 year old and me being her Mama, I think they are quiet good. She captures emotions in some of them. In others I can tell she didn't quite get what she wanted but is proud of them anyway. 

 I found though, that I couldn't share just her pictures. I had to share howI love each of my kids and who they are. I love how they are all exactly happy to be who they are all the time. I hope they never ever lose that quality. 

Sean 10, He is all boy and don't we all know it! He loves his video games and his schedule to remain consistent. Lucky we are mostly able to do that for him. Even though you can never know what will cause a melt down even though you try to avoid it, I love that you always know what he is thinking/feeling. Which is probably why it's so easy for him to get picked on by others. Like this one kid who told a teacher Sean was writing inappropriate things in his diary. First of all, how would he know? That diary uses a special pen that needs a special light to read. The teacher took it from Sean and gave it to me in the p/u line and told me about it. I told Sean I do not care what he writes in his diary/journal. It's his personal space. Just for the love of God do not take it to school and give someone a chance to cause you trouble.

Bridge 7, She has definitely always been all girl and a tad dramatic. She's always known just what she wants and how to get it. She loves to draw. Thankfully she now is old enough to know that drawing is for paper not walls, sheets, sister, computers, etc.. She is all about the big picture and giant steps. When she was around 3 she'd as her Pop Pop (FIL) for money, nothing special all kids tend to do this at some point, but instead of asking for a dollar or so she'd say, "Pop Pop can you give me $50." I think she gets that from Nana (MIL).

Meg 5, Has a fashion sense all her own and amped up big sisters attitude to get her nick named Mega Drama. She is not afraid to wear a shirt dress w/tutut skirt over leggings/jeans and add another skirt under the tutu skirt of the dress. I love that sometimes her skirts over jeans/leggings has nothing to do with the outfit as a whole. Someday I am gonna have to get pictures of it. She is the baby and she knows it. But she is always in the moment and happy go lucky kinda gal, for the most part.

These are the pictures Bridgette has drawn recently that I wanted to share.

This one had Hubs wondering what the heck was going on with that line that shouldn't be there? Trust me, we all giggled over it but not around B. She taped this up on her wall so I know she likes it. Personally, I think that line one she started and didn't like the way it was going. So, she moved on as you cannot erase crayon.

This is one of my favs. That dog totally looks snooty/snobbish to me. Love that she wrote the name on the bowl.

No idea where she got the inspiration for this one. Cartoon maybe? I think she purposely left the dog unfinished. Cause he/she is all lonely attached to the dog house.

You gotta love the eye on this one. She kinda is saying "Is that what you are feeding me?!"

Never Do That Again

So I have no idea how to start this post. There are just things you don't learn as a parent til you experience them. Even if your Mommy friends tell you about such things you smile and nod but don't believe it. This is one of those kinds of stories.

Last night we were all in the car going to Logan's Road House for dinner. When out of nowhere Hubs says, "Sean did you fart?!" Hubs then makes a big show of rolling the window down.

I didn't even smell it, I must have an immunity to the smell if it's under certain levels. I mean I live with my 2 guys and the FIL and BIL. Anyways, Sean emphatically states he did not. He thinks it was Bridgette. Hubs continues questioning him. Once he's satisfied it wasn't Sean he asks Bridge.

She says she did and she's sorry. BUT it doesn't end there. Hubs stupidly tells Bridge not to do that ever again. Are you thinking what Bridge and I thought? We took it as never to fart again. As far as I know farting is one of those things that just occurs and you may or may not be able to excuse yourself to do it in private. So then Bridge starts to cry, of course she's good at this sort of thing but still, and apologizes over and over. Hubs was all like "Do not cry!" It was then I pointed out to him how that sounded very much like never fart again.

He says, "I mean she needs to say excuse me."

Me: "I agree. She does BUT you did not say that. You said never do that again. You did not remind her that she needs to say excuse me."

Him: "I'm sorry Bridgette. You just need to please remember to say excuse me. Would you like steak for dinner?"

Bridge: "YES!" Should be noted tears stopped like they never existed.

Sean & Meg: "Me TOO!"

I just sat there shaking my head trying not to giggle.

In case you were wondering, dinner was fabulous and yes, everyone got steak except for Sean who had ribs.

Squirrel Poop As A Stress Reliever

I think I am crazy. Ok, that is not saying much. Most people who know me think I'm at best quirky at times and sometimes crazy. To those people this next statement will be no surprise.

Squirrel Poop.

I have no idea why but for the last several days squirrel poop has been on my mind. I have no idea why. I must have heard or saw something about it in passing and it just stuck.

Not only do I not know why I also do not know in what context I heard it in. I think it was something about how clean parks are and where do squirrels poop. Or something like that.

It's like a bad song stuck in my head. BUT given the really tough couple of weeks and then some we've had I think the odd bit of humor relief is ok. I mean seriously.

They're so much I want to discuss and I don't know how. Some of it so intensely personal that I am not sure I can talk about it. Not the least of which was getting Sean back on track and getting his meds adjusted. It's only been a few days but it is so nice that at least he is now sleeping at night again. Too bad the girls picked up where he left off and have taken turns having rough nights. The added problem with Sean now is that someone has put the idea in his head that I am over medicating him and that he isn't bipolar. Like it was an easy decision to go down this road and get the proper treatment. UGH!

Then of course their was Casey getting obviously sick and the sad but necessary outcome. That was right in the midst of learning that I will not be able to start my job anytime soon. Nor do I know if I will ever get too. The reason for it is so intensely personal and makes me agitated and angry. It's ridiculous. But to talk about that might bring unwanted attention and judgement to me. Yet, I know that others have discussed way more personal things.

I'm not ready for that. So til then, I think I'll just remember squirrel poop. It at least makes me stop and giggle. Which of course is a great stress reliever.

If you got this far...Thanks for reading and I just know you are thinking on the squirrel poop track, too.

Casey

Yesterday hubs and I made the tough decision to put our dog Casey down. I kind of felt this was coming over the last week and some odd days.

Sunday before last, January 22, after Bridge and I got home from a GS Table Top Cookie Sale both Meg and Sean ran to the car screaming that Casey would not come out from under the back deck. As calm as I could I told them to not worry. Let Mama get in the house, set her stuff down, and I'll go get her. Turned out that was easier said than done. Casey refused to come to me. Just laid under their looking all sad and no pep, nothing. Like she was willing to stay there and die. How I managed not to lose it right then and there I do not know. Sean went crawled under the deck and gave Casey a small push. That got her to head towards me. With permission from the in laws I was able to bring her in, bathe her, and they allowed her to stay in. (Since we moved here my dogs became backyard dogs) It was unexpected nice gesture on their parts and I appreciate it.

After cleaning her up and seeing there seemed to be no obvious injuries I contacted the vet. It seemed forever is how long it took to get a call back. But she did call back. We all thought it was likely something Casey ate or got into in the backyard. After a visit to the vet's house (she runs a low cost clinic on the side to supplement income/pay off schooling) I felt hopeful Casey would be fine. She gave us some meds to control the vomiiting, gave her some injections to kick start the antibiotics and help to spark an appetite. After several days of Casey being in the same listless condition and still not willing eating I called her again. Last Saturday night I took her and dropped her off at the vet's. She was going to take her in to her work for lab work and x-rays. Turns out Casey kidneys were failing. But after flushing her kidneys the labs were looking better. Casey still would not eat. They had to force feed her. After she ate her lab levels (I do not know what levels refers to) got worse. At breakfast yesterday morning, hubs made the call that putting her down was kinder than putting her through anymore.

Around dinner time I got a message from my BFF. I had missed the vet's call and BFF's call. She texted or maybe it was tweeted me asking me if we could talk. I called her and she said the vet wanted me to know that after she talked to us that morning that she ran the labs again. She was puzzled that Casey looked so young and healthy yet her labs were not good. In that short span of time it is my understanding that Casey's liver failed. Even if we had chose to bring her home, put her on special diet, and give her at home treatments 2-3 times a week, it still would have been a matter of hours or days. That's no way for a beloved pet her gave her heart and soul to this family to die.

While it hurts an extremely lot, I know she is better off as a four legged fur baby angel in Heaven. She was there for me always. A better lap dog I have never had. One of my best memories of Casey is her laying on my big ole tummy when I was pregnant and on bed rest with Meg. We all affectionately said she was hatching Meg. I also think that Casey would've known if something was going wrong w/my pregnancy and alerted me. She was well behaved. Knew the sit and speak command. She knew down too but never liked it. She'd lay in bed til someone peeped their eyes open. Then shed' give you the look and bounce on you to say, "I need to go out!". These are memories I will keep. The loving memories of a dog hubs brought home cause a co-worker could not keep her.

My tribute to Casey, such as it is. Casey is the Pom mix.

This is a Vlog I did for Vlog Talk sometime ago.

These next videos were one I took with a camera I used to have and edited on my computer. I was new to YouTube and well...the rest is history as they say. The first one is rough cause I hadn't learned yet I could edited sound not did I realize how loud the TV was (happens a lot in houses w/little kids).

This one show Casey's personality to perfection.